Choosing a Counsellor and Your First Session
How to choose the right Counsellor for You
Evidence suggests that the quality of the relationship between the counsellor and client, or ‘therapeutic alliance’, is the single greatest predictor of therapy success. Though the skill and training of the counsellor is an important factor for predicting change, research indicates that the relationship between client and counsellor is even more important than the treatment style and techniques used. Therefore, if you are seeking counselling, it is important to select the right person for you.
That is my long winded way of saying…You have to trust your counsellor and you have to feel heard and respected. You can ask your friends or family if they have seen a particular person and what they like or dislike about them.
Asking questions about your counsellor
Please remember to ask questions about: education, experience, registration, and cost of counselling before you make the appointment or at least during the first session. The counsellor will not be offended by your questions. So go ahead and ask where your counsellor went to school or what kind of clients they have worked with in the past.
I recommend that you do not see a counsellor who does not have the following in place :
Professional Registration: This means that the counsellor is accountable to their professional association and has a code of ethics around behaviour, counselling style, confidentiality and so on. Ask for their registration number and you can check their qualifications.
Liability insurance. My professional association requires that I have liability insurance.
Education: Do they have a Master's degree in a counselling related field? I.e. social work, psychology etc. Or does their professional association allow counselling without a Master’s Degree?
Experience: What experience do they have in counselling?
Supervision: Do they have supervision and how often do they connect with their supervisor?
Models of Counselling: What models of counselling does the counsellor use? If they say they are eclectic (which means they use many methods) ask them which they use the most. You can also ask about their training in specific methods. So for example if I say that I am certified in a certain model of counselling ask me about my training and where and when I received it.
The following factors are generally considered to be important aspects of the therapeutic alliance that should be considered by both clients and therapists during the early stages of counselling.
The counsellor’s interpersonal qualities
Evidence suggests that the experience of empathy, understanding, genuineness and unconditional acceptance is more likely to produce psychological growth. Therefore, when selecting a counsellor, it is important to find someone whom you feel possesses these qualities. Additionally, you must feel that they are trustworthy, reliable and safe. Do they get that your story is confidential and important and not to be shared.
Sometimes people who seek counselling have had experiences that make it hard for them to trust and feel safe around others. Counselling like all relationships takes time. Ask questions if the counsellor uses language you do not understand or misinterprets something you say.
Therefore it is important to voice your concerns up front and examine how you feel about your counsellor’s responses to your concerns. For those with a high degree of distrust and skepticism, it is of high importance that they find a counsellor with whom they can relate to, but that they also examine your concerns critically and achieve some flexibility and willingness to attempt to engage with a new counsellor.
Doing the Work of Counselling
First Counselling Session:
You have made your first call to talk to a counsellor.
Most likely you have been trying to deal with your problem by yourself or with the help of your friends and family. But the problem has still not disappeared. It can be painful to admit to yourself that none of the strategies you’ve tried so far have worked. Your problem is still there, and it hasn’t gone away on its own – if anything, it might be getting worse. And now there’s a sort of jittery feeling in your stomach as you wait for your first counselling session.
Some of the following thoughts might be circling around in your mind:
‘I bet they’ll just tell me I’m making a fuss about nothing.’
What if I cry?’
‘What if I say something stupid?’
‘They’ll probably think I’m weak for not managing to sort this out by myself.’
‘Will my problem freak them out?’
‘What if they think I’m crazy?’
What if the counsellor can’t help me?
What if this is too hard for me?
Any of this sound familiar?
Relax. Take a slow, and gentle deep breath, hold it for a few seconds then let that breath out slowly. Your first counselling session is going to be okay. Normally what i do is offer a cup of tea or a glass of water and that small ritual often calms people down quite a bit. You don’t have to drink it but just the offer makes people feel a bit more comfortable.
Here’s what you need to know before your first counselling session:
1.It is normal to feel nervous.
Let’s face it: meeting a stranger, and potentially revealing your most personal thoughts to them – things you don’t entirely understand yourself – can be intimidating.
One thing that can help in this situation is to remind yourself that anxiety and excitement feel very similar. It’s also exciting to think that this, your first counselling session, is your first step on your path to overcoming the problems you’ve been struggling with.
2. Your counsellor will not judge you.
The two things that nobody wants from a Counsellor are (1) judgement, and (2) pity. Luckily, good counsellors don’t judge their clients, nor do they pity them. To your counsellor, you are someone who is courageous. You are a person who is now doing the bravest thing of all: realizing that there is a problem, and seeking valuable help.
Even if your problem seems stupid or trivial to you, the fact that it’s important enough to seek help about, shows your Counsellor (and yourself) that actually, this stuff matters. And there’s probably a good reason, deep-down, why you can’t just ‘let it go without addressing it properly.
3. Your Counsellor will not think you are crazy.
Counsellors generally start from the assumption that people’s problems tend to make deep psychological sense once you really look into them. When you first come to therapy, neither you nor your counsellor will know what’s driving or underlying your difficulties; but gradually both of you will begin to make sense of things. One of the phrases that I often use is; ‘All behaviour is purposeful, so our job then is to find the purpose for a particular behaviour that you want to change’.
4. Crying is fine.
Do you feel anxious about shedding tears? If you come from a background in which crying was somehow alarming, or shameful, the answer’s probably ‘yes’.
Weeping in your counsellor’s office might at first feel well outside your comfort zone. But you really don’t need to worry. A good, well-trained counsellor knows that tears are not dangerous. When you cry, I will not think less of you and I don’t get anxious about your sadness. I respect my clients and know that crying is an emotional release in a safe place with a safe person.
Your counsellor wants to help you reach the point where you can cry when you need to, without feeling overwhelmed or flooded by the emotion.
5. You are not weak.
Your counsellor will know that making the decision to come to therapy is a brave, strong step. One of the bravest things you will ever do is walk up the steps to my office.
It’s so much easier to do the weaker thing of blaming everyone else, rather than to hold your hand up and say ‘I’m struggling here — and I’m going to own my part in my difficulties, and actually do something about it’.
Many, many people come to therapy feeling embarrassed and inadequate because they haven’t been able to manage their problems on their own. But humans were designed to be interdependent. We are designed to share our thoughts and worries and not to hold them in alone.
6. Your Counsellor is on your side.
What we do in my office is to build a relationship of trust. That trust includes each of us knowing that we are both there to do this emotional work that includes some behaviour change. I know that I am stating the obvious...but. You have a head-start on your therapy journey if you can trust your counsellor from the start.
But if you feel uncertain at first , that is ok too. Remind yourself that your counsellor will work with you, because she wants to help you. It’s a good idea, too, to talk with your counsellor about your uncertainty or fear, and see whether he or she responds with understanding and compassion (good signs) or gets defensive, dismissive or critical (not good signs).
7. Counselling is not something that is done to you.
For your brain to be in a state where it can accept and anticipate change, you need to feel relatively safe and fairly calm. You need to know that counselling is a choice that you are making for yourself. If you feel forced or coerced in any way, positive changes won’t happen.
Counselling and psychotherapy will only work with your permission. No one can make you reveal anything (or do anything) in counselling that is against your will.
Similarly, being passive in therapy will not end well. Therapy can feel like really hard work at times. You will need to have the courage to face things that may be hard to face, and you will need to persist and keep on coming back when the going feels tough. Hard work — but it is worth it!
I think often of the young man who told me that working with me for one hour was much harder on him that working at his very physical job for 8 hours.
8. You have a reasonably good feeling about your counsellor by the end of your first counselling session.
You’re probably looking for a counsellor who you feel is wise, as well as calm, empathic and clear-thinking. Does your counsellor meet these criteria? Are there any other attributes that are important to you, such as age, or gender? This is your time so go ahead and say what you need.
Counselling works in the context of a relationship. It’s really important that your counsellor understands what you are experiencing. If you leave your first counselling session feeling that this is someone you dislike and are unlikely to trust, you should probably look for another counsellor. If the person you see is me and you need help finding a good counsellor I will help you in any way I can.
Do feel free to shop around until you find someone who is a good fit for you. They don’t have to have the same background as you, but there needs to be something about them that gives you hope that you’ll be understood.
9. The counsellor recognizes distress.
Often what I hear from people is that they think that their problem is so big that the counsellor will be shocked or become judgmental. The other side of the coin is that you may think that your problem is so trivial that you should be able to address it on your own. I think that anything that causes you distress are worth examining.
10. Counselling is different than talking to a friend.
Often, family members or friends can help you through rough times. But sometimes a professional guide is needed, someone who:
• doesn’t feel overwhelmed by your issues
• is separate from the main players in your personal drama, so can provide a more objective viewpoint
• has years of training and experience in listening in an entirely different way
• can support you when support is needed, but (and this bit’s really important) who isn’t afraid to challenge you when necessary
• puts you at the center, and doesn’t get distracted by having their own history with you.
11. Change might take a while.
If your difficulty feels like a very recent thing, not linked to more deep-seated issues in your personality, then a few sessions might be enough to give you some much-needed perspective on what’s going on, and practical tips on what to do.
But it’s quite likely that the particular issue that brought you to seek help may be linked to other ways you trip yourself up. If you have a sense that this kind of thing keeps happening (even if you feel quite confused about what’s really going on) then you’ve already made a good start on getting to the root of things in therapy.
Through counselling you can become a deeper, calmer, more grounded, more authentic version of yourself. Deep lasting change usually takes longer-term work. As long as you are prepared to look at yourself and process your own growth, counselling can make a difference as you move forward in your life.
Sometimes what people do is see me for a number of sessions, take a break and come back to do more work in a few months. They might even change counsellors for their next phase of work. Whatever you decide to do is just fine. We can all learn from many different people.
12. This is a place where your feelings get taken seriously.
At first counselling might feel odd but it will probably also feel like a relief. You’ll probably feel some sense that a load you’ve been carrying has shifted somewhat, or become slightly lighter.
As you leave any counselling session – and this includes your first session – you should have the feeling that something true about you has been felt, heard, said and seen.
Thank you for reading this blog and next Friday I will write about Depression. That might turn into a little series like anxiety did because its an important topic.
Deborah
Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/finding-new-home/202001/how-find-the-right-therapist
