Today what I have learned from my clients is the difference between anger the emotion and anger as a patterned response. We are often likely to fear any situation that leads up to the feeling of anger which gets us into defense mechanisms as behavioural patterns which leads to negative consequences in our relationships. Acting out in anger can also be a defense mechanism to resist what our emotions are trying to tell us and that we are trying hard to ignore.

But oh my goodness... We are so very afraid of that response and I think even more afraid of feeling that emotion.  A long time ago I began to understand that inside every angry person is someone who is both hurt and afraid.   Anger is merely one emotion and like all emotions is temporary.  We give that one emotion so much power by learning to become afraid of it or using our angry responses to control others.

However, the angry response can get to be a habit and like most habits it can be changed but it does take a bit of practice.  The first step is to actually look at the anger, which we most often do not want to do.  Most people want to deny anger its place as simply one of our emotions.

How is the anger response purposeful?  Does it keep people away who might hurt us? Does anger allow us to blame ourselves for wrongs done to us? Does it keep us from growing as a human being through vulnerability?  Does it allow us to keep control over situations or people?  Those are all tough questions and hard questions to ask yourself.  What if you discover that you use your anger to manipulate people around you? Anger can be a controlled response in our efforts to put some semblance of control in our own lives. Anger can also be a power play in abusive relationships but again the purposefulness of that kind of anger is control over another person.

Sometimes what I see in people is that anger controls that person by keeping other emotions at bay.  So if you are resentful, sad, or fearful, anger can block you from looking at what is fueling your anger and what other emotions are involved  not to really look at what is going on underneath. What behaviours and tools do you use to keep your anger blazing? Do you turn to; alcohol, drugs, food, obsessive exercise or toxic relationships which can often contribute to building the fire that makes up your anger. 

Angers’ Disguises

Anger is sometimes disguised as sarcasm, cutting comments, disdain, a sharp wit, self harm, self pity, depression, anxiety, resentment and impatience with self and others.  Watch out for anger because when you are experiencing it and do not acknowledge your feeling and its source it will leak out in interesting and sometimes destructive ways. 

When you get angry, your body reacts. Heart rate, blood pressure, breathing speed, and body temperature may increase. Your body also releases certain stress hormones that put your body on high alert.  Pay attention to your body when you’re angry. Learn your body’s anger warning signs. Next time you notice these warnings; you can step away from the situation or try one of the techniques that address your anger response so that you can deal with the emotion of anger.

So rather than looking at how to get rid of anger as emotion we can look at how to change our anger response to behaviours that might seem scary because they ask us to be vulnerable.

Questions to ask yourself as you address your own anger

1.      What am I  holding on to... perfectionism, resentment, control over self or others

2.      Am I hiding something from myself?

3.      If I was honest with myself what would I admit about myself

4.      Am I hiding an addiction to:  food, drugs, alcohol, relationships? 

5.      How do I tell myself that anger is not ok and do I punish myself for experiencing anger?

6.      What do others see when they interact with me?

7.      Have self awareness  (I tell myself it’s not all about me)

 

Anger Response exercises: Please take a pause before you express anger... Breathing is important.

Cognitive Practices to Help Manage Anger

·        Notice and acknowledge your own patterns

The first exercise is just to sit and notice your own emotions.  What exactly are you feeling and what is fuelling that emotion? How are you maintaining it? How are you making yourself the victim? Look at the role of resentment in fuelling anger.

 

·        Recognize your triggers

Usually, people get angry about specific things over and over again. Spend some time thinking about what makes you angry. Make an effort to avoid or deal with those things, if possible.

For example, this might involve shutting the door to your child’s room when they don’t clean it instead of getting angry about the mess and yelling at the child. It can also mean walking away from someone else’s anger response or waiting for both of you to calm down before you discuss the particular issue that lies beneath the anger response.  

 

     Visualize yourself calm

Imagining a relaxing place may help you reduce your anger. Sit in a quiet, comfortable space from your memory and close your eyes for a few moments. Let your imagination flow.

As you think of what that relaxing place is like, think about small details. How does it smell or sound? Think about how calm and good you feel in that place.

 

   Wait:

When you’re in an angry argument, you might find yourself jumping to conclusions and saying things that are unkind. Making an effort to stop and listen to the other person in the conversation before reacting can help your anger drop and allow you to better respond and resolve the situation.

Think carefully before replying. Tell them you need to take a step away if you feel you need to cool down before you continue the conversation.

 

Challenge your own story around Anger

Anger can make you feel like things are worse than they really are. Reduce your anger by replacing negative thoughts with more realistic ones. You can do this by avoiding extreme words, such as “never” or “always,” when you think.

Other good strategies include keeping a balanced view of the world and turning your angry demands into requests instead.

  Talk to yourself differently:

When we live in a state of anger we tend to fuel that anger with ruminating, telling our victim story to anyone who will listen and making the actual incident bigger than it might have been.  The key word in that sentence above is victim.  Angry people often see themselves as victims of other people, life circumstances etc.  So the answer seems so simple but it takes a lot of practice, self reflection, evaluation of your own patterns and then more practice.  It is also acceptable to ask for help.

 

Physical Activities to Help Manage Anger

•         Learn to breathe

When you’re angry, you might notice your breathing gets quicker and shallower. One easy way to calm your body and reduce your anger is to slow and deepen your breathing.

Try breathing slowly into your nose and out your mouth. Breathe deeply from your belly rather than your chest. Repeat breaths as necessary.

 

•       Progressive muscle relaxation

Muscle tension is another sign of stress in the body that you may feel when you’re angry.

To help calm down, you may want to try a progressive muscle relaxation technique. This involves slowly tensing and then relaxing each muscle group in the body, one at a time.

Consider starting at the top of your head and move your way to your toes, or vice versa.

•       Meditation:

There are lots of apps and You Tube videos to help you learn to mediate that are free and helpful. Even a 5 minute meditation will help you put things into perspective. One of my favourite mediations is a walking meditation, you become really conscious of your body and how it moves.

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/walking_meditation

Another mediation that so many of my clients love is called the Mindfulness Bell: Five Minute Bell Mediation and it can be found on You Tube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGFog-OuFDM

•         Get moving

Besides being healthy for your body, regular exercise is effective at reducing stress in the body and mind. Try to get some exercise every day to keep stress and anger at bay.

For a quick way to manage anger, go for a brisk walk, bike ride, run. Or practice some other form of physical activity when you feel anger growing. In winter take up cross country skiing, snow shoeing or downhill skiing, or swimming if you live near a swimming pool. These are all activities that you can do and still practicing social distancing.

•        Avoid dwelling on the same thing ( or in other words NO RUMINATING)

You may rehash the same situation that made you upset over and over again, even if the problem is resolved. This is called dwelling or ruminating. Dwelling allows anger to last and can keep you stuck in a resentful state.

Try to move past the thing that caused your anger. Instead, try to take a look at the positive things and people in your life or even about the person that triggered your own angry response.

 This article has been written with assistance from S.K. a wise person who wishes to remain anonymous.

 

Thank you and Take care

 

Deborah