“Treat other people like they are a gift in your life and be fascinated with them”
Two blogs ago, I wrote about Gaslighting at the request of a reader. This week I got an email with a request from a different reader. This is the email in its entirety:
“I wrote down a paraphrased quote you could write a whole article about.
Treat other people like they are a gift in your life and be fascinated with them.
I have been trying to do this for the past while, it creates an open mind for me that’s for sure.”
My plan:
1. What have I learned from my clients?
2. I will show you how my brain travelled through this quote by making connections with lived experiences, theory and intent.
I also carried with me the character of the person who is practicing this adage. Although I did not ask the person why this particular adage is important to them I made some suppositions.
Beginning our journey of thought on one quote.
My first thought was, “Wowzer… this is a great topic”. Then I started to think about my clientele, their relationships and all the words of advice they have been given over the years. Often that advice starts with phrases like these…
“All you have to do is… or Just… or You know what your problem is… and finally, You might not want to hear this but…”
Personally, when I hear those words from a friend or family member my wall of protection goes up and I literally can’t hear what is said next. If I hear it from a professional I know I have failed at life again.
Although the quote is not saying anything negative it may be heard as judgemental by a person who is having a difficult time coping with existing. More about that later in the blog.
Prescriptive Answers
So, then I googled the exact phrase that I had been asked to write about. My Google search came up with many websites about how to sell your product or yourself by assuming a practice of interest about others. Many of the articles suggested lists of somewhat formatted behaviours that could make your relationships with others stronger or gave directions about how to ‘get ahead’ in life.
Many of the articles had titles such as; 11 Rules for moving forward in your business relationships. One of them had this intriguing title: 9 Valuable Principles That Will Make You Treat People Better: How you treat others is how you invite them to treat you.
I read a few articles and they were all well-written but somehow made me tired. They invited me to follow these formatted or prescriptive behaviours that frankly felt a bit manipulative to me. Most of the principles are a version of the Golden Rule which says;
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”
The Bible states the Golden Rule this way:
“ In everything, do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Matthew 7:12:
The Golden Rule is the principle of treating others as one wants to be treated. Various expressions of this rule can be found in the doctrines of most religions through the ages.[i]
I think an underlying hypothesis to the phrase my reader asked me to write about is a lack of expectation that your intentions and subsequent actions will or should reward you in some external way. If that is the underlying premise then that somehow feels more authentic.
However:
My curious brain started to meander down a different path. I might not stay on the next trail for too long but I need to acknowledge the indirect path that abounds with ‘what ifs’ and ‘yes buts’…
What if the other person does not have a similar moral code as you? What if they are a sociopath and their code is that your life does not matter as much as theirs so therefore, they can do whatever they want to you?
Yes but… what if you can’t think positive thoughts when you are being hurt or abused. What if you are too afraid to be kind or curious about others? What if you are not able to accept this other person and their motives or actions as a gift? What if their gift is too painful to accept? What if the other person is not a gift in your life but rather someone who drains you?
What if your energy is so drained you have none to spend on being fascinated by others but rather spend each day trying to survive?
That side road needs to be recognized at least by me. It may be hidden in the darker recesses of your brain but it is most likely there.
What is the underlying motivation for choosing to act by this particular saying? Do you genuinely want to acknowledge each person as a gift, even when they are acting badly? Can we remain fascinated with them in an open non-judgemental way? Can we be objective as we treat each person well? It is easier to be kind, curious and thoughtful to people who not only look like us but share our moral code.
Many philosophers have challenged the universality of the goodness of a common sense of morality for humanity.
A Story about Objectivity:
Many years ago, on Christmas Eve I tucked myself into my bed all snug as a bug in a rug. I could hear two of my visitors, who were in their early 20s, having a discussion after an eggnog or two.
The discussion was about objectivity. Can we be truly objective? One said in scientific matters objectivity is crucial. The other said that they disagreed because we always bring some sort of bias into what we research.
It was a lovely moment in my life to listen to these two young people passionately discuss the topic of objectivity. I fell asleep and did not ask them to further the discussion amid Santa Claus and the family gift offerings. But the part of the discussion that I heard has stayed with me for more than 25 years.
Objectivity in Counselling and Shared Understanding of Values
In counselling work, we are asked to be as objective as possible. Complete objectivity is an impossible task no matter what our training. We are raised in a culture that tells us certain actions are wrong and that other behaviours should be rewarded. For example, my profession has both a Code of Ethics and a Standards of Practice that I must adhere to call myself a social worker.[ii]
This axiom that I was asked to write about invites us to make some suppositions about life. Some of the more obvious suppositions surrounding the phrase we are contemplating include; that the person we are focusing on understands our intentional kindness, and that our actions will be received well by that person.
We assume that our darker thoughts of insecurity, resentment and bitterness will not entice us to darker motives. Our actions will be seen as well-meaning but we also will believe that our actions are well-intentioned.
Living our life via slogans and old sayings does not acknowledge the internal struggle that we have in being good-spirited. We do not know the other person’s internal struggle or even that mistrusting others such as ourselves may have helped them survive a difficult life. We do not know how others see us.
Moral Norms + Moral Entrepreneurship
This leads my meandering brain to think that we most often see ourselves as the moral norm in our behaviour. If we carry that thinking it can be fairly easy to become moral entrepreneurs. We then proceed to protect and eulogize our values or behaviour as the correct way of being. That kind of thinking leads us to make negative assumptions about people, cultures or communities who act or believe differently than we do.
I hope you are beginning to see a bit of how my brain approaches what appears to be a straightforward topic.
Expectations
What gets in the way of that, I think, is our expectations around relationships. What do we give, and what can we get back from this new and open behaviour? I read a little story about acceptance of outcomes this week and here is the shortened version of it.
"Krishnamurti suddenly paused, leaned forward, and said, almost conspiratorially, “Do you want to know what my secret is?” Almost as though we were one body we sat up, even more, alert than we had been, if that was possible. I could see people all around me lean forward, their ears straining and their mouths slowly opening in hushed anticipation.
Krishnamurti rarely ever talked about himself or his process, and now he was about to give us his secret! He was in many ways a mountaintop teacher—somewhat distant, aloof, seemingly unapproachable unless you were part of his inner circle. Yet that’s why we came to Ojai every spring, to see if we could find out just what his secret was. We wanted to know how he managed to be so aware and enlightened, while we struggled with conflict and our numerous problems.
There was silence. Then he said in a soft, almost shy voice, “You see, I don’t mind what happens.” [iii]
Gift and Fascination:
The gift is fascination
Fascination such as this baby has with the flower and that the mother has with her child is a rare gift that is worth noticing. This kind of fascination is about joyful engagement with the world. They are both building relationships.
There are two sections in the original quote that, I think, we need to look at.
The first word is a gift.
A gift for me means that it is unexpected, given freely. The receiver of the gift has no input or control over what the gift is. The receiver may or may not be grateful for the gift. But the giver has given the gift after some thought about the receiver. The importance of the gift in many ways lies with the giver rather than the receiver. The very fact that someone else has kindly thought of me is always the real gift to me. The gift itself is almost incidental for me as a receiver. The opposite is true when I am giving the gift.
The other phrase is ‘fascinated with’.
Fascinated is a word that invokes feelings of curiosity and a sense of wonder at the presence of this other human being. Fascinated implies also a sense of admiration. In this instance, the quote reads ‘fascinated with’ rather than ‘fascinated by’ and to my understanding fascinated with is the correct phrase to use when talking about engaging with another human being. I can be fascinated by the Olympics but not be engaged in that activity but if I am fascinated with there is an implication that I am engaged with that activity or person.
Both of the terms invite us into a place of vulnerability and a kind of virtue about our assumptions about this other human being. Both terms also remind us that we have no control over this other human. That allows us into a space of wonder at the complexities of the human condition. That sense of wonder goes a long way toward helping us feel delighted in our interactions with others.
All righty then:
Let’s get to the topic at hand. What about treating others kindly and being genuinely curious about them? How does all of that relate to the request made to me and how my brain has wandered around the topic?
Prescriptions for well being
Most self-help books are prescriptive about how to obtain good mental health. If my reader can practice living by the golden rule without expectations of any kind of return then I think it is a terrific way to live one’s life. We need to keep in mind that the other person may not want what we have to offer.
I know the person who asked me to write this on this topic and that person practices what they preach. I know that this person attempts to bring presence into each interaction. They bring consciousness into their daily activities with others.
I think rather than being prescriptive we need to be curious and cognitively kind to each person that we encounter. But we also need to remember that our norm of behaviour may not be the other person’s.
Fr. Ron Rolheiser has this to say
“Speaking personally, these are the greatest challenges of my life: How do I love an enemy? How do I not let a jealous glance freeze my heart? How do I not let a bitter word ruin my day? How do I remain sympathetic when I’m misunderstood? How do I remain warm in the face of bitterness? How do I forgive someone who doesn’t want my forgiveness? How do I forgive others when my own heart is bitter in self-pity? How do I love and forgive as Jesus did?[iv]”
Judgement & Control
But know this no matter how open we try to be others may judge us or may assign negative motives to our behaviour. They may say we are being manipulative or scheming but if we can live that way and not have any skin in the game of rewards then we have achieved, I think, a very high level of spirituality and humanity. I suggest that we all give it a try.
Deborah
Thank you again for reading my meandering thoughts on what compromises good mental health.
Deb
I https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule#cite_note-Flew-1
[ii] https://www.sasw.ca/site/about/sw/codeofethics
[iii][iii] https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/aug/10/stop-minding-psychology-oliver-burkeman
[iv] Fr. Ron Rolhieser, 0MI Facebook blog post-April 17th
