How do you know when your marriage has ended? I always wanted to ask someone that question but never did do it. I asked the psychiatrist that I worked closely with how he knew when a marriage had ended and he told me this. The emotion leaves the room, there is no anger, no passion, no kindness. He said it was an eerie feeling to be in a room with two people who had once loved each other and now felt nothing for each other. No compassion, no empathy…

However that is not always what I saw in my office. What I learned from my clients was a little bit different. What I saw and experienced fit more closely into what John Gottman called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse http://www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html

The four horsemen are Defensiveness: Stonewalling: Contempt and Criticism. According to Dr. Gottman’s research is any one of these four behaviours is present there is a high predictor for divorce

As I look at this list I realize that all four of those horsemen are present in many marriages , especially in long term relationships that have endured but not thrived in their longevity. Many long term relationships stay intact but do not thrive. Over the last many years of practice I have heard many stories of frustration from one or another of the partners in a relationship.

I hear stories of stereotypes of men or women and there is always a sense of frustration, helplessness and hopelessness in those stories. One of another of the people in the relationship somehow begins to see themselves as more worthy, mor adult or more responsible than their partner. sometimes there would be secrets and mistrust between the two. The friendship if it had ever been there would be gone. For me as a witness to the stagnation of love the ending of the friendship always made me the saddest.

If you look up on the internet how to know if your marriage is over most pundits write of the ending of sexual intimacy as the true end of the marriage. I disagree with that theory. What I witnessed was the ending of shared experiences, shared humour, shared glances, those knowing nods and so on that really are about intimacy. It was the sharing and the excitement in that sharing that disappear in relationships that are dying. Joy disappeared. and so often one or another of the people becomes resentful of the other’s leadership or over competence .Yet so often these relationships persist with one person becoming ever more silent and the other becoming angrier.

One of my favourite authors, Susanna McMahon, Ph.D writes ” If you cannot learn and practice Self-Esteem in the relationship. leave the relationship” (The Portable Therapist, p.213).

Dr McMahon writes that we need to remember to look at ourselves in our relationships and that we cannot control anything outside of yourself and that we can only change how we think and how we act. If you must leave, she advises the reader, to leave without blame and recognize their own part in the sick cycle in the relationship . She invites us as readers to do what I have learned from clients, to look in the mirror to find the person responsible for our behaviour.

So that when the marriage and its subsequent relationships dies we need to leave our one time partner with dignity. We don’t blame, we don’t mudsling and we act with grace if at all possible. If we do not we try again tomorrow.

When the marriage is dead we allow grief in its truest form to enter our lives. We mourn, we keen, we weep but we do stay alive and we do eventually begin to live our life alone. Dr. McMahon writes in another book about loss and grief… and this is a paraphrase. ‘we cannot learn to detach unless we first become attached to another. We cannot avoid the detachment process, no matter how much we resist.- we will all become detached from our bodies, our Selves, life as we know it and people and things we have attached ourselves to. ‘ Of course she is talking about our own dying process but these gentle words strike a resonance for me in the ending of marriage.

HOW WE GRIEVE OVER THE DEATH OF A MARRIAGE.

1. First of all we allow grief to enter our lives, we do not keep ourselves so busy that we do not acknowledge loss – even if it is something we have chosen. We make space for the really ugly, physically painful and spiritually draining feelings that need to be there. Shock, anger, resentment, hurt, betrayal suddenly are shouting at you to take over your life. And they do for awhile then every once in awhile long after you have begun to heal they come back again. Know that this is a long and sometimes unexpected process.

2.Secondly we accept that whatever has happened actually happened…this is not a nightmare it’s real and it happened to you. So accepting whatever it is as reality needs to be there too.

3. Next you start to let go even if you feel you are betraying yourself by doing so. Get rid of your shoulds and who did what wrong .

4. Feel what you feel – know that all feelings are temporary and that it is ok to feel joy sometimes too. Do not become stoic! Wail if you have to but feel what you feel. Trust me you won’t drown in emotion, although you might think you are going to…you won’t.

5. This is a tough one so get ready for it. TAKE Responsibility for your part. You, however, do not get to blame yourself or beat yourself up emotionally. Do not abuse yourself

6. When you have fully looked at yourself and taken responsibility for your behaviour then forgive yourself for being flawed and human. sometimes writing a journal for these last two steps helps. But remember that we are all humans and no one is perfect – even if the person down your street acts as if they mght b. USE HUMOUR for goodness sake. Laugh at yourself on occasion.

7. Appreciate someone or something. Thank your friends and family for sticking by you as you processed yourself. Allow yourself to become a be-ing. You are loved and valued because you exist not because of what you do.

NOTE: ASK FOR HELP ALONG THE WAY!