GASLIGHTING
Someone I love asked me to write about gaslighting. So I will.
ORIGINS OF THE WORD
The term gaslighting is based on a play which later became a movie called Gas Light. The mood and tone for the perfect depiction of gaslighting are set with the dark and foggy London weather. The gaslighting in the play and later in the movie is refined and insidious. The lead male character begins to play mind games with his wife. He began with a plan that lowered the gas in the lamps to convince her something was wrong with them then denied his actions. Gradually the female character begins to believe that she is losing her mind. What I have learned from my clients is that when you are living with this form of abuse, the victim always feels unsure of themselves. It is as if they were living in a fog that does not seem to lift. More about the acronym F.O.G. later in this blog. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gas_Light
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines gaslighting as the act of manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events. It can be a severe form of emotional abuse that can result in survivors losing their sense of self-worth or identity. While it’s often referred to in romantic relationships, gaslighting can also occur in platonic, familial, or work relationships. It’s a common technique used by abusive partners, people with narcissism, and those who try to control groups of people, such as cult leaders.
Cult leaders use the words of Jesus to draw people into their sphere of influence.
True gaslighting, I think, is a defensive or an offensive action depending on the intended outcome of the person who is doing the gaslighting. The perpetrator or the person who is gaslighting as an offensive action can be doing it as a form of control over another human being. The person who uses gaslighting as a defensive action is usually trying to hide some aspect of themselves or their behaviour from their partner or themselves. But again both rationales for gaslighting are to control the reality of another person.
An Example
Resitance and Resilience are closely connected.
Ask questions!
I saw a movie last night about a movement that happened in the 60s. The movie took me on a trip down memory lane. I remember what I was doing, who I was with and where I was when the first steps were taken after the first moon landing. I even remember what I was wearing. The movie cleverly took me to a place and age that I was in 1969.
But even as I watched the movie and immersed myself in nostalgia another part of my brain realized the consequences of some of the movements sentimentalized in the movie. The gaslighting in this case included what was portrayed in the movie but it did not talk of the motives behind and supporting some of the movement. On the surface, the movement was about peace and love. Older people in the movie are depicted as rigid, and the young people espousing peace and love are depicted as futuristic thinkers. Many older people are depicted as resistant to change (which in the movie is seen as growth). Elders are stuck in the past in dress, actions and values.
The point here is in some ways to tell the story in less than two hours the writers had to use such gaslighting techniques. The roots of religious cults are based on that movement because much of the movement was based on following a charismatic personality rather than a systemic change of institutional systems. There is a book that I love that tells you that if someone asks you to follow blindly you should run away. [i]
Each person has a barometer inside that tells us the truth.
Sometimes after many years of gaslighting abuse, we begin to doubt our reality. We can turn our truth telling self off. It takes a lot of work to turn it back on.
Gaslighting is abuse.
All forms of abuse have one thing in common. Abuse is about power and control over another person. The abuser often denies that their goal is control over their partner but studies have shown that they do know why and what they are doing. I read a study once that even when the abuser says they have lost their temper they knew exactly what they were doing and their blood pressure and heart rate remained stable.
What Gaslighting Looks and Feels Like
Some of the most common gaslighting practices include:
Countering: Telling you that you misremember something to exert control and make you doubt yourself.
Trivializing: Making you feel like your thoughts and feelings don't matter or that you’re just being overly sensitive.
Withholding: Keeping money or affection from you.
Stonewalling: Refusing to listen or engage with you in conversation.
Blocking: Changing the subject when you try to clarify a situation or express your feelings.
Diverting: Questioning the validity of your thoughts or your reality.
Forgetting: Pretending to forget things that happened.
Denying: Telling you that something you remember never actually happened.
Lies of Omission: Even if you ask directly, you never get the whole truth about their activities. Neglecting to tell you important or even small details about their intentions or actions.
Faking compassion: Telling you that the harmful thing they’re doing is for your good.
Importance of being seen as a Good Person: It is really important to the abuser that they are seen as helpful, good or the victim.
How Gaslighting Behaviour Develops
Abusers often use gaslighting to manipulate and exert control over the person they’re abusing. Employing this tactic can be a sign that they have mental health issues of their own. Certain personality disorders are prone to using gaslighting, including narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline.
Gaslighting is never okay, and it’s never the survivor’s responsibility to try and help an abuser see the error of their ways and get help. That said, the abuser is generally unlikely to change their behaviour unless they seek help from a mental health professional.
The Negative Effects of Gaslighting
Over time, gaslighting can cause serious harm to a person who experiences it. They may come to doubt their memory, judgment, opinions, or emotions, which can isolate them socially and from loved ones. They may experience a significant drop in self-esteem or even begin to lose their sense of identity.
In the long term, consistent gaslighting can cause a person to experience mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
F.O.G.
Earlier in this blog I wrote about the acronym F.O.G. It stands for Fear, Obligation or Guilt. In this instance, it can also include confusion. What I tell people is that if you are feeling Fear Obligation or Guilt around another person most likely you are being emotionally blackmailed as a form of control. Emotional Blackmail can be an advanced type of gaslighting. You know that this is happening to you when you think that you are in the wrong all the time.
What To Do If You’re Experiencing Gaslighting
If you’ve noticed signs and symptoms of being gaslighted by a romantic partner, family, friend, or boss/colleague, it’s essential to understand that this is abuse. It can damage your mental and even physical health, particularly if you spend a lot of time with the person who is doing it. Here are some steps you can take to defend yourself.
Keep Track of Evidence
Saving voicemails, texts, emails, and notes can help you remind yourself later of what they said or happened. This strategy can assist you in standing up to gaslighting tactics that make you doubt your memory or interpretation of events.[ii]
Lean On Loved Ones
One common tactic of abusers is isolating you from friends and family because they don’t want anyone to point out their behaviour. Although it may be difficult in the face of direct manipulation, maintaining strong ties with people outside of the gaslighting relationship can help keep you in touch with reality and provide you with the support you may need along the way.
End Or Adjust the Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, but it’s often the only way to end the abuse. When it comes to romantic or platonic relationships involving gaslighting, ending it may be necessary to keep yourself safe. If it’s a familial relationship that you are not willing to fully step away from, setting firm boundaries is usually of the utmost importance. If it’s a working relationship, speaking with a supervisor or HR can be a helpful next step.
Seek The Help of a Therapist or Counsellor
At first, it may be difficult to see how gaslighting can affect you emotionally or impact your relationships. You may even have trouble recognizing that you’re being manipulated or abused initially since gaslighting can be so subtle—especially early on. Or, you may be in a difficult situation with your abuser, making it even harder for you to leave or take other steps to defend yourself
A true story
Many years ago, long before I knew the word gaslighting or understood its nuanced power, I worked with a lovely person whose partner of over 50 years consistently denied their spouse’s reality. When the client would relay an incident the spouse would look at my client and tell them politely that the story was incorrect. Over time the client began to believe that they were a pathological liar or at least lived in an altered version of the rest of the world’s reality. The partner’s words grew to have a great deal of authority because they were always polite and seemingly respectful.
Over the years several people including friends and family asked why they stayed in this toxic relationship. The client would always respond that their friend did not know their partner who could be loving and kind in their moments. The client ended friendships over the years when they tried to tell my client the truth about what they saw. The client then began to isolate themselves and protect their partner from critical opinions. As time went on my client had a difficult time maintaining their own story that in private their partner was loving and kind. The gaslighting continued for many years. The client’s children grew up thinking that one parent was always right and one had at least a really bad memory or lied.
The client’s partner went to family members and friends and told them a story of concerns about the partner’s mental health. They did that for two reasons!) to further isolate my client from outside support. Secondly, the partner wanted to continue to build on the story that they were a good person.
My client’s children came to me and asked if I could help the parent. The client’s children were all married and the in-laws identified what their parent-in-law was experiencing as abuse.
It took these newcomers to the family to identify long-held patterns of behaviour. It took a long time for my client to realize that they had been gaslighted. The end of the story is that the abusive partner died and the children moved the remaining parent into a condo where they enjoyed at least 10 years of retirement living. The last time I saw my client they were off to a game of pickleball after our last session.
1: In the ninth century, the Buddhist sage Lin Chi told a monk, "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him." He meant that those who think they've found all the answers in any religion need to start questioning.
[ii] Kopp, Sheldon: If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him: The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients Mass Market Paperback – May 1, 1982
