FORGIVENESS
Introduction and a small disclaimer
Lately, in my work, the topic of forgiveness has been coming up quite often so I thought I would share what I have learned from my clients. First I would like to make a disclaimer.
Forgiveness does not mean that you ever say that abuse, violence or unlawful actions are acceptable. Nor do you have to have a relationship with the other person who has harmed you. Forgiveness also does not mean that you wipe your mind clear of the actions or words that harmed you. As individuals, we need to have some sense of control over our actions and decisions and forgiveness is an especially important part of our sense of control.
Questions about forgiveness
When and how do we forgive? Does forgiveness mean forgetting? Does forgiveness mean that you have to ignore the wrongdoing? Does forgiveness mean that I have to say the behaviour was not harmful to me? Does forgiveness mean that I have to reconcile with the other person and keep them in my life? If I have harmed someone else, do I have to formally ask for forgiveness before they or I can move forward?
This is a complex topic but these are the questions that people often ask when someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Examples of harm:
We have all been hurt by another’s actions or words. Occasionally the hurt was intentional but often it was not. Does lack of intentionality subdue the need for forgiveness?
Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you.
These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even a desire for vengeance.
But if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also welcome peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally, however, it involves a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.
The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
This is what I have learned from my clients and other wise teachers in my life.
What forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. Forgiveness does not mean that you let the person who harmed you back in your life. There is no easy formula for forgiveness. Forgiveness is also not a power-play over another person to manipulate them to meet your needs.
What are the benefits of forgiving?
Letting go of resentments and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:
Healthier relationships
Improved mental health
Less anxiety, stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression
Improved self-esteem
Significant physical health benefits come with ease of mind.
Why is it so easy to become resentful?
Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, resentment, and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might be swallowed up by your bitterness or sense of injustice.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a resentment holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.
What are the effects of holding resentment?
If you're unforgiving, you might:
Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
Become depressed or anxious
Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others
Spend far too much energy vindicating yourself and convincing others of your victimhood.
Miss the opportunity to identify potentially healthy relationships in your life.
How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:
Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
Decide how you would like to act and think differently rather than spending all your energy and time seeking revenge or retelling the story of your victimization
Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behaviour.
Choose to forgive the person who's offended you
Move away from your role as a victim and release the control the offending person and situation have.
As you let go of resentments, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding for yourself and others.
What happens if I can't forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't acknowledge wrongdoing. If you are not ready or able to forgive or forget, try some of these actions instead.
Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view.
Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
Reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you.
Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
Change your own story from that of a person who needs to be rescued to a truth-telling adult. I call this person a Hero. A Hero is someone who knows that life is difficult and unfair but goes on anyway.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, there are times when the relationship is beyond repair.
The reconciliation might be impossible if the other person r has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too severely but please be honest with yourself about your actions or words.
If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses.
Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.
The best activity that will move you forward if you have harmed someone is to change your behaviour.
A Special Note About Apologies:
They are always simple, never include the word but or any words that excuse your behaviour or place responsibility on the other person.
