The People I did not think about today
Today is Father’s Day and of course, I thought about my sons who have both chosen to become fathers. I thought about my father, my stepfather, my father-in-law, my brothers, my brothers-in-law and my ex-husband. I thought about all of those men whom I have known and loved who chose to become fathers.
I did not think about…
But I did not think about my clients who are fathers, the men on my street, the men at church, the people who are estranged from children, and the men who would like to be fathers but are not. I did not think about the men who worked today so did not get a special Father’s Day meal or cuddles. I did not think about dads who are gay or transitioning.
I did not think about the men who are away from their children or the men who are estranged from their children. I did not think about men whose children have died and who don’t know what to say when people say Happy Father’s Day. I did not think about children without fathers and did not think about a lot of people who were parented badly or well.
I did not think about trans people who are transitioning from male to female but are still parents.
I did not think about all of the homemade cards that mean so much to children and dads. I did not think about fathers and their children who live in poverty or illness as they witness our consumerism surrounding this holiday.
I did not think…because I did not have to.
But then I did.
This is what I thought and a bit about what I felt.
I felt grief that included a real sense of loss for all of the wonderful father figures in my own life. That grief stretched outside of myself to all the parents I know who are trapped in a role that does not quite fit for them.
Around each of the holidays that advertisers hype, there is a loss of connection unless we buy into the stereotypes of fathers in the media.
Fathers on television are portrayed as kindly but often bumbling in their efforts to parent. Dads seem to be secondary members of the family. I just watched a show where a single dad was trying valiantly to parent his teenage daughter. Every time she tried to talk to her dad he would say, ‘well I have been called into work, we can take this up later and off he would go to his work. Supposedly the important topics were covered off-screen in between episodes of the show. The really serious conversations are held with a female mother figure or in this case, not at all.
My thinking widened to how as a society we picture fathers as somehow dangerous. That we should be a little bit afraid of all men because they could harm us in some way. Then I thought about how we see men as workers who should support our increasing consumerism.
I know many gentle men who are also solid in their character, values and parenting. Their goal is to raise children who are also of good character and who contribute to society as a whole.
I am not sure when and how we began to vilify or infantilize men but we have and it is not right. Neither is it right to label women as infants or vilify them as aggressive. In our world where people are finding their voices and claiming who they are as human beings.
I think we all need to take a step back and understand what it means for each of us to become fully human and decent caring members of society.
An interesting fact is that the man who inspired Father’s Day was a civil war veteran, a widower who became a single father of 14 children.
We can think about all the fathers who did not have a great day today but it is also just fine to celebrate those fathers in our lives who are proud to be dads to a whole group of amazing children.
Deborah
