Loneliness- An Epidemic We Can Change
Loneliness
If you took all of the lonely people in any given town and put them in one room I suspect it would be a very crowded room. Covid has made that more evident than it has been in the past but lonely people have always been with us.
There is s whole segment of the population that feel isolated, alone and who the rest of us seem to forget. Oh when we meet a person who lives with loneliness we are often happy enough to see them, we may engage them in conversation but then we pass on and the lonely person goes on their way to the outer perimeters of our lives.
I am not going to get into too much detail about why some people are more lonely than others except to say they exist and are often people who on first glance at least have fulfilling lives or a wide circle of friends.
My Sunday Lesson (not from a pulpit)
Not so very long ago a young friend of mine, who is a brave and wise woman, noticed a man in church with whom she had never spoken. So instead of sitting with her friends, family or even in her usual bench she went and sat socially distanced from this man. She found out his name and a little bit about him and they had a friendly exchange before and after church. She made a new friend. I happen to go the same church and I also noticed this person in the past but have never made any attempts to speak with him, but I knew that he had a story that was probably worth knowing.
What does loneliness feel like?
Loneliness is physically painful and draining of hope. Choosing to be alone can be a fulfilling and rewarding endeavour but prolonged loneliness is spirit crushing.
Loneliness can cause you to feel empty both emotionally and physically. You start to tell yourself a story that loneliness for you will never end. Sometimes I hear people tell me that they are lonely because they do not deserve to have intimate friends because of some character flaw.
The lonely person often wants to be around other people but may not know how to take the first step or then continue to take steps and engage or invite others in a way that suits them. People who have never been lonely might not understand how physically hard it is to reach out to others. Just believe me…it is really, really hard.
According to Experts
According to the experts in loneliness research is not necessarily about living alone or even being alone, its about feeling alone and isolated. Some of the loneliest people I have ever met have been married to each other. That is really sad to experience or to witness. If you feel alone and isolated then loneliness can take hold of you in a negative way that can lead to more anxiety when we are around others and increased depression symptoms.
Who is Lonely:
When we think about lonely people we often think about the elderly, then we make a silent commitment to connect, but then don’t follow through. I know one woman who asked her children to call her once a week to help stay connected with her.
But it is more than the elderly who are lonely, it is younger people too, even though they might be surrounded by peers, colleagues and family. I think often of the loneliness that newcomers must feel when they come to Canada and leave their family, friends language and culture behind.
Causes of Loneliness
Contributing factors to loneliness include situational changes such as;
• Physical isolation,
• Moving to a new location,
• Divorce.
• The death of someone significant in a person's life can also lead to feelings of loneliness.
• As we age we miss our family but also our friends who die before us.
Loneliness can also be attributed to internal factors such as low self esteem or depression. People who lack confidence in themselves often believe that they are unworthy of the attention or the regard of other people, which can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.
Close Friends Help Combat Loneliness
Researchers also suggest that loneliness is becoming more common. Since 1985, the number of people with no close friends has tripled. The rise of the internet and ironically, social media, are partially to blame.
Experts believe that it is not the amount of social interaction that combats loneliness, but it's the quality.
Having just three or four close friends is enough to ward off loneliness and reduce the negative health consequences associated with this state of mind. It is great if the close friends live close to you and drop in once in awhile but close friends who live further away can help you too. Frequent phone calls, Facetime or Zoom calls work well.
But even though we may have contacts from further away we still need to get out and about where we live.
Tips to Prevent and Overcome Loneliness
Loneliness can be overcome. It does require a conscious effort on your part:
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, Smile at people and even say hello
Consider community service or another activity that you enjoy. These situations present great opportunities to meet people and cultivate new friendships and social interactions.
Expect the best. Lonely people often expect rejection, so instead focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.
Focus on developing quality relationships. Seek people who share similar attitudes, interests, and values with you.
Recognize that loneliness is a sign that something needs to change.
Understand the effects of loneliness on your life.
Be a little bit brave every day and notice it!
Therapy/Counselling
If you feel lonely without really knowing why, you may find therapy helps narrow down possible causes. It can be hard to deal with feelings of loneliness if you aren’t sure what’s happening. A professional can help you examine any situations in your life that might be creating these feelings.
A Few Tips
It’s possible a few lifestyle changes could help you feel less lonely. These may not completely address any underlying causes of loneliness, such as mental health issues or relationship concerns, but they can help you get started.
These ideas might help you feel more engaged with others:
Stay in touch with loved ones. If you’ve just moved, try to talk to friends and family weekly. Apps like Skype, Snapchat, and Facebook Messenger let you send video clips or communicate through video. It may not feel the same as in-person contact, but it can help you remember the people you love are still there for you.
Volunteer or participate in community events. Find a few areas you’re interested in and try to get involved. Consider helping at library book sales, donating a weekend a month to your local animal shelter, helping out with trash cleanup, or spending a few hours working at your local food bank. Libraries are also a good place to find out about community events.
Try a new hobby. If you feel lonely but have free time, think about things you’ve always wanted to try. Dance? Woodworking? Art? Music lessons, Quilting, Kayaking lessons. The list is endless. The library, a local community college, or other community organizations will have information about local events. Apps like Facebook and Meetup can also help you find events in your community and meet people who have the same interests. In my little town the people who I think have the most fun while laughing with each other is a group of people I know who make greeting cards together (Before Covid at least).
Adopt or borrow a pet. Having another living creature to come home to could help your life feel fuller, and increase your feelings of connection to the world in general. Research consistently suggests pets can have a number of mental health benefits, including decreasing loneliness. What’s more, walking a dog can also help increase your chances of meeting new people. If you take your cat for a walk in a small rural town people will most definitely talk to you. If you can’t make the commitment to adopt a pet then borrow one or go to the local SPCA and ask if they need volunteers to walk the animals in their care.
Go BOWLING. Many years ago, I had a middle-aged man as a client who had just moved to town and he did not know anyone. I worked hard to try and find solutions that would help him feel better. One day he came in with a big smile and said he had taken up bowling and offered his name as a spare when teams were short a player. By the end of the second week, he was on two teams and continued to spare. He quickly made friends and his loneliness dissipated quickly. I would never have told anyone to go bowling because I am not a bowler but he found his own interests and quickly began to create a full life for himself.
Prevention
The following ideas can often help keep you from feeling chronically lonely in the first place:
Get comfortable with spending time alone. This doesn’t mean you have to be alone all the time. It’s generally considered important for people to have at least some contact with others. But if you enjoy the time you spend on your own, you’re more likely to feel positive about it, even when being alone may not be your first choice.
Choose fulfilling and rewarding activities. Relaxing on the sofa in front of your favorite TV show can feel comforting, and humorous content in particular, may have a positive impact on your mood. But make sure to include a range of activities in your life, including creative or physical pursuits. Even listening to music or reading a book could have more of a positive impact on loneliness.
Make time for exercise. Exercise is known to have a positive impact on mental health. While exercise may not relieve loneliness on its own, it can help improve your mood overall and increase your feelings of wellness, which may offer some protection against loneliness.
Enjoy the outdoors. Sunlight can increase serotonin in your body, which can help improve your mood. Spending time in nature can help relieve feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress. Joining a group walk or team sport can also help you connect with others at the same time. I hear we are getting pickle ball courts in our small town, so even if you don’t know how to play go out and cheer people on.
When to see a Doctor
If feelings of loneliness linger, it may be a good idea to reach out to your healthcare provider or a mental health professional.
Also consider getting help if:
feelings of loneliness negatively affect your daily life or make it hard to do the things you want to do
you have a low mood or feelings of depression
you have symptoms of another mental health concern, such as anxiety or depression
physical health symptoms don’t go away after a few weeks, get worse, or affect your daily
Video: I watched a documentary this morning called Breaking Loneliness by BRANDY YANCHYK. It was fantastic so I emailed the maker of the documentary and asked if I could share it with you. She said yes rights away so I was happy to hear that. She said it is free to all people on CBC Gem on the documentary link. Here is the link for the video and I must say I am glad I reached out to her to ask her permission. It is great to tell someone else they did outstanding work. I tried to copy a live link here but could not get it to work but if you copy the link below into your browser you can see the documentary.
https://gem.cbc.ca/media/absolutely-canadian/season-19/episode-39/38e815a-011996e4f6e?cmp=sch-breaking%20loneliness
Again, thank you for reading my thoughts about loneliness and what my clients have taught me in the last few weeks.
Deborah
PS. Overnight I had many more thoughts around loneliness and thought that I could/should have said much more about the state of loneliness and the epidemic but for today this is what I have done.
Deb
