How do you know you are Ready to see a counsellor?
What started my thoughts on this blog: A little think.
I don’t often have no-shows or late cancellations and today I had a client not show up for the second time in a row. Since that does not often happen, I had to sit down and have a little think about why the client made this decision after saying they wanted to come for counselling with me.
There are many reasons that a client does not show up for an appointment.
The first thing I look at is my work with the client and what it is that I have missed. My brain automatically goes there. It is a tough place to go as a counsellor because the focus is on me and what I could have done differently in my work with another human being.
I come up with many things that the client said that I may have put too much or not enough focu ons. Was I curious about them in a helpful way? Did I talk too much or not enough? What assumptions did I make about the client that were not correct? Did I listen enough? Did I give them what they needed? Did I go too fast or too slow? Did I assume the client knew what they wanted to change and were willing to do the work needed? Did I fully understand and honour their commitment to doing this emotional work of counselling? Did I respect how scared the client often can be about revealing their innermost fears to a relative stranger? Did I assume the client had the emotional readiness to look at their behaviour? Did I assume they did not?
Then what did I do wrong questions are endless and can form an infinite loop of self-doubt.
Now, some of these questions are useful for my analysis of me as someone whose desire is to give wise counsel to those seeking it with me. Getting caught up in the endless loop of self-doubt though is not very helpful for anyone.
The problem for me is that generally, I can’t ask the client these questions because they have disappeared.
Occasionally, many years later a client will come in to see me and tell me that they have been thinking about our last conversation. I am always startled at the power of these very private discussions that I am privileged to have with other people.
That very thing happened to me several months ago. I met with a man who had been my client 30 years ago. He started our new therapeutic relationship with this sentence.
“ The last time we met, your last words to me were….”
He went on to tell me that he has lived his life by those words and they have shored him up when he thought he could not continue. As counsellors, our words have great power to do good but also to do great harm and we better remember that every time we have an interaction with someone with whom we are working. We work for the client on their goals and their intentions.
So how do you know when you are ready for the work that counselling entails?
Counselling is about looking at your behaviour and deciding that those behaviours are not meeting your own needs anymore. I often need to remember that all behaviour is purposeful and that at one time even maladaptive behaviours were the best choice that the person knew how to make. I remember that so that I do not move into a judgmental place in my head.
If your relative or friends tell me that I should see their friend or relative but that person has not spoken to me themselves I usually just smile and nod. Then I invite the concerned person to give the person they are worried about my card If I have one with me and I usually do not. If I do not have a card with me I just give the concerned person my number or the number of another counsellor or mental health.
So…How do you know that Counselling might benefit?
Telling someone they should go to counselling can be challenging to say the least. It is difficult to witness someone you love going through a hard time but respect is part of any relationship. Sometimes that respect means that we need to tell someone the truth at a time when they can hear it. The other adult must have some choice about who they see and when. - as long as they aren’t putting themselves or anyone else in danger.
Encouraging someone you care about to look into possible therapy options, even offering to review potential counsellors with them, is generally a better way to show support. People who feel forced into therapy may feel resistant and find it harder to put in the work needed to identify ways in which they can change behaviours or thinking patterns which have not been helpful to them. If you are interested in knowing how to choose a counsellor and what questions to ask I did a blog on that a few months ago.
A special note to people in Abusive Relationships, Personal crises or who are expressing Suicidality
Counselling is usually not the best option for people in crisis. If you are in crisis, you can get help right away by reaching out to a suicide helpline through phone, text message, or online chat. You may be encouraged to call or visit the nearest emergency room. A counsellor can help support you going forward, once you are no longer in crisis. My main concern is your safety first.
When any type of mental health or emotional concern affects daily life and function, therapy may be recommended. Counselling can help you learn about what you’re feeling, why you might be feeling it, and how to cope.
Being forced into Counselling
People who feel forced into counselling may feel resistant and find it harder to put in the work needed to make a change. Sometimes that is the reason for a ‘no show’ because they came one or two times to please someone else.
Counselling can offer a safe place to talk through life challenges such as breakups, grief, parenting difficulties, or family struggles. For example, couples counselling can help you and your partner work through relationship troubles and learn new ways of relating to each other.
Should I go to Counselling?
It may take some consideration before you decide you’re ready to seek counselling. You might want to wait and see if time, lifestyle changes, or the support of friends and family improves whatever you’re struggling with.
The American Psychological Association suggests considering therapy when something causes distress and interferes with some part of life, particularly when:
Thinking about or coping with the issue takes up at least an hour each day
The issue causes embarrassment or makes you want to avoid others
The issue has caused your quality of life to decrease
The issue has negatively affected school, work, or relationships
You’ve made changes in your life or developed habits to cope with the issue
If you experience any of the following emotions or feelings to the extent that they interfere with life, counselling might help. It’s especially important to consider getting help if you feel controlled by symptoms or if they could cause harm to yourself or others.
Overwhelm. You might feel like you have too many things to do or too many issues to cope with. You might feel like you can’t rest or even breathe. Stress and overwhelm can lead to serious physical health concerns.
Fatigue. This physical symptom often results from or accompanies mental health issues. It can indicate depression. Fatigue can cause you to sleep more than usual or have trouble getting out of bed in the morning.
Disproportionate rage, anger, or resentment. Everyone feels angry at times. Even passing rage isn’t necessarily harmful. Seeking support to deal with these feelings may be a good idea when they don’t pass, are extreme compared to the situation, or if they lead you to take violent or potentially harmful actions.
Agoraphobia. People with agoraphobia fear being in places where they might experience panic attacks or become trapped. Some people may become unable to leave their houses.
Anxious or intrusive thoughts. It’s normal to worry about things from time to time, but when worry takes up a significant part of your day or causes physical symptoms, therapy can help you deal with it.
Apathy. Losing interest in usual activities, the world around you, or life, in general, can indicate mental health issues like depression or anxiety.
Hopelessness. Losing hope or motivation, or feeling as if you have no future, can indicate depression or another mental health condition. Feeling hopeless from time to time, especially after a period of difficulty, isn’t uncommon. But when it persists, it may lead to thoughts of suicide.
Social withdrawal. Many people feel better when they’re able to spend at least some time alone. Introverted people may need even more time alone than others. But if you feel distressed around others or fear being with other people, counselling can help you understand and deal with these feelings.
Trust and Respect
The counselling relationship is about trust and mutual respect and if you don’t trust yourself or your counsellor enough, to be honest then it won’t work. Sometimes even if you do trust your counsellor the whole process might not work right away. Even in an ideal therapy situation, it can take time for symptoms to improve. Going to therapy and seeing no change may cause frustration. It may seem like a waste of time and money. Many people stop going to therapy as a result. Sometimes I will see a client a few times before they tell me what is going on for them.
Many years ago when I was not even working as a counsellor a woman would come to my office regularly and just sit and talk about this and that but most often her questions about my approach to counselling and people generally. Finally, after many such visits, I asked her why she was coming to see me so regularly, She said something like this:
“ I was testing you to see if you could handle the awful details of what happened to me and I was testing to see if I could trust you. When I asked her if she did trust me she said yes that she did now and could tell me the details of her story. Which she then proceeded to do.”
After we had built that trust her healing began quite quickly. On that date, we agreed that I would become her counsellor and that verbal contract permitted me to ask the questions I needed to ask and to carefully proceed with her treatment. From that client, I learned a lot about waiting.
Many factors can impact how effective counselling can be.
There is no single, correct approach or formula that works for everyone. Not every therapist will work for everyone, either. Having a negative experience with a particular therapist or a certain type of treatment can make it hard to try therapy again, even if you need the support. I commit to people who want to work with me that if I am not the right counsellor for you I will help you find the right person for you or at least make a few recommendations to other counsellors so you can try them out.
Keep in mind different approaches may be better for different issues. Being misdiagnosed can affect how treatment works. If you didn’t feel heard in therapy before, or if you experience different symptoms, a different therapist might be a better fit for you.
Does Everyone Need to go for Counselling?
No, but many people are curious about the whole process. If you’re considering therapy, you may be thinking about the possible drawbacks. The cost might be a concern for you. You might also be aware that therapy is often difficult. Trauma or other painful events from the past can be frightening to remember, much less discuss with someone else. Even if you aren’t dealing with trauma, working through challenges isn’t easy, and therapy isn’t a quick fix. Therapy also requires honesty, with yourself and with the therapist you work with.
But if you’re willing to do the work, counselling can be rewarding. It’s a safe, judgment-free space where you can share anything, with a trained professional who is there to help. Clients tell me that I ask really hard questions that sometimes take weeks for them to answer but I ask the hard questions anyway.
Here are a few benefits of Counselling:
You’ll learn more about yourself. Therapists listen to your story and help you make connections. They might offer guidance or recommendations if you feel lost, but they don’t tell you what to do. Counselling can empower you to take action on your own.
Counselling can help you achieve your goals. If you aren’t sure of what your goals are, therapy can help you clarify them and set realistic steps to meet them.
Counselling can help you have more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, counselling can help you address difficulties with relating to others, such as insecurity in relationships or difficulty trusting your partners.
You are more likely to have better health. Research supports a link between mind and body wellness. Untreated mental health issues can impact physical wellness. On the other hand, people in good emotional health may be more able to deal with physical health issues that arise.
Thank you again for reading my thoughts about what each client teaches me…this blog is about what the client’s who don’t return help me think about and learn about myself as a counsellor. So thank you.
