Cognitive Kindness
What Is Cognitive Kindness?
I have been practicing thinking kindly . What I did to start was think about someone I know and wonder in a non-judgmental way about their life. I know the outside stuff of many people’s lives and I may even know some of their struggles but it is a constant practice to remember those struggles and their perspective when I am interacting with them.
It is also what I don’t see that can be important for that person’s understanding of our exchanges. I need to remember that my perspective on the world is most likely not how others see the world. I also need to practice cognitive kindness so that I remember that this is chosen behaviour and is not automatic just yet.
Checking in with Self
To remind myself not to see myself as normal and others as abnormal I can ask myself as series of questions about any interaction that I have with others. Some of these questions that invite cognitive kindness are as follows:
How do I see and judge those around me?
What are my automatic defense mechanisms when I meet new people or feel threatened in some way?
What are their automatic defense positions when interacting with me?
Do I know my own defense positions when I feel threatened or insecure
In other words what story do I tell about myself , or about this other person.
How do those two stories interact somehow and influence my own reactions?
How we think and what we think are valuable individual and collective resources that we have. I ponder this often as I have visceral reactions to those who hold different values and therefore act differently .
Being Present in the Moment
It's time to bring kindness to the front of our minds. Being conscious of self and other , then practicing cognitive kindness allows us to extend a generosity of spirit to others as well as ourselves. This is another practice that we can slip in an out of on a pretty regular basis. When we suddenly realize that we have drifted off into the future, past or a place of judgment we can gently remind ourselves to come back to this moment in time by practicing a grounding exercise like this one:
5-4-3-2-1 Technique
Using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you will purposefully take in the details of your surroundings using each of your senses. Strive to notice small details that your mind would usually tune out, such as distant sounds, or the texture of an ordinary object.
What are 5 things you can see? Look for small details such as a pattern on the ceiling, the way light reflects off a surface, or an object you never noticed.
What are 4 things you can feel? Notice the sensation of clothing on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in. Pick up an object and examine its weight, texture, and other physical qualities.
What are 3 things you can hear? Pay special attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic, or trees blowing in the wind.
What are 2 things you can smell? Try to notice smells in the air around you, like an air freshener or freshly mowed grass. You may also look around for something that has a scent, such as a flower or an unlit candle.
What is 1 thing you can taste? Carry gum, candy, or small snacks for this step. Pop one in your mouth and focus your attention closely on the flavors. What I like to ask people to do is put a raisin in their mouth for at least 30 seconds and see what happens both to the raisin and your taste buds. (Do not do this is your really hate raisins). If you have no food then just use your tongue to feel your gums and teeth and experience that feeling.
Redefining Cognitive Kindness
Let me define cognitive kindness now that I have had a little think about it.
Cognitive Kindness is the practice of extending kindness of character towards other’s minds as well as our own. We value our individual and collective cognitive abilities- to reason, to understand, to imagine, create, dream and act.
KEY POINTS
Our cognitive abilities and resources are among our most valuable individual and collective assets.
Cognitive kindness honors our abilities to reason and understand, to imagine and create, to dream and design.
We each have the ability and responsibility to empower the thinking of others.
Being Kind to Our Minds
The birth of modern-day cognitive psychology is often referred to as "The Cognitive Revolution." That revolution elevated the study of thought within psychology. We need to add to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with an significant addition of kindness to self as well as others. I don’t mean that we do stop holding ourselves accountable but that we at least acknowledge that behavioural change is quite a lot of hard and thoughtful work.
Cognitive kindness includes what I speak of as a generosity of spirit in that we do not assume that others have negative motives when interacting with us. We then value both our individual and collective cognitive abilities and interactions.
Cognitive kindness calls our attention to our tremendous cognitive abilities—our abilities to reason and understand, to imagine and create, to dream and design, to envision and enact. Ideally, cognitive kindness is extended to others without the expectation of any particular return for ourselves. It’s about empowering the thinking of others. I think our greatest ability is to learn, reassess or evaluate our own thinking and behaviour and try again. Cognitive kindness encourages our efforts to become fully human.
Cognitive kindness urges us to consider how we might apply what science tells us about how our minds work . What could that look like? Let's consider one example. And because being effectively kind to the mind depends on an accurate understanding of how our minds work, let's begin with a research finding.
The Illusion of Transparency
Studies suggest that people often overestimate the extent to which their thoughts, attitudes, and feelings are evident to others—a phenomenon termed the illusion of transparency. So in other words we really do believe that others will understand and interpret our motives correctly. But we all know that does not often happen. People understand our motives and our actions through their own lens of history, personal pain and understanding of kindness.
For example, participants induced to lie overestimated the extent to which others could tell that they were not telling the truth and in another study, participants asked to drink samples of good-tasting and foul-tasting liquids overestimated the number of people who could tell which liquid they were drinking (Gilovich, Medvec, & Savitsky, 1998).
From Research Toward Cognitive Kindness: Some Ideas
Now, how might we take that research finding and apply it toward cognitive kindness—i.e., apply it in ways that ease and or improve the thinking of others in our everyday lives?
One Idea: Broadcast Your Intentions
Do not assume that anyone else can read your mind or know your motives so talk about it. Imagine this: You're out for a walk and are about to cross the exit from a parking lot. You notice a car pull out of a parking space and approach the exit. You're not sure whether the driver sees you or is planning to stop; the driver may be wondering something similar about you. The illusion of transparency tells us that even if we think our intentions are obvious, they may not be.
Why not broadcast your intention to walk behind and not in front of the vehicle by angling your body accordingly and walking deliberately in that direction? By doing so, you've substantially reduced the challenge for the driver of accurately anticipating your next move.
You've just been cognitively kind in multiple ways: You've freed up cognitive capacity for the driver and increased the driver's predictive accuracy.
Another Idea: Broadcast (or Even Exaggerate) Your Interest
Now imagine you're attending a presentation that you're keenly interested in. You'd expect this would be obvious to the presenter. Yet you also know about the illusion of transparency. What might you do?
Intentionally broadcasting—exaggerating even—indicators of your interest can liberate the cognitive capacity of a presenter who is trying to figure out whether the audience cares. Lean forward, nod your head, and make eye contact, perhaps with a bit more gusto than you might feel is necessary. Smile at the presenter or sit at the front of the class and take notes. Let the other person know of your interest in what they are talking about.
Cognitive Kindness is about being intentionally kind.
We all know the world can always use a little more kindness.
Sometimes we get busy or feel that kindness is not a priority Sometimes we just don’t care what you’re feeling or how we are seen. We are having one of those days when we just want to not have to work so hard at being a decent human being. We just want to push through the day and get to bed. Our walls are up, our head down, determined, and no time for unnecessary conversation. It is too hard to bring kindness to everything we do!. This is a change in thinking that leaves behind harsh judgement and somehow makes us more vulnerable as human’s.
Stuck In Your Head
If you’re going to get stuck anywhere, it will be in your head. That isn’t an excuse, it’s a reality, and we have a choice on how we act and think.
Ever feel that there just doesn’t seem to be a good enough reason to be kind right now? When focused on the things that are important or are capturing 100% of our attention; it doesn’t mean you can’t be aware. Cognitive Kindness is not mutually exclusive, or all-encompassing, it’s not emotional; it’s a state of Being. We can do anything that we are engaged in with kindness as our default postion.
Brené Brown and the power of vulnerability
We are all a little bit in love right now with Brené Brown and so am I. What she writes, talks about and role models for the rest of us is are words that we are so often afraid of. Those words for me are Vulnerability and HONESTY. Those two words go together for me because I think you can’t be honest unless you are vulnerable. That made me think of how those two words are seen in our society and some of the myths around them. If you are interested in learning more about Brené Brown her website is here:
5 Myths Dispelled
1) Being kind makes you vulnerable to attack
No, it doesn’t what it does do is invite input from others.
2) Kindness makes you appear weak to those around you and to those with power over you.
The fact is, those who are Cognitively Kind are respected, they also demonstrate humility.
3) Kindness is a time waster. Kind people spend too much time listening to everyone else’s perspective.
More often than not it offers timely solutions. Answers you would never have stumbled on without someone else’s input.
4) I don’t want to be everyone’s friend.
So don’t be, being kind doesn’t mean you have to invite them home. Cognitive Kindness does however invite mutual respect.
5) It waters down the importance of the work.
What makes you think that? What it will do is open the gateway to empathy, constructive considerations, and loyalty.
Choose Cognitive Kindness
Cognitive Kindness boils down to remembering to be present. Be empathetic, aware and receptive to others and your environment.
Thank you again for reading my words and my thoughts as I continue to practice being human.
Deborah
