Friendship
A personal note from Deborah:
For the last three years, I have thought often about my friends and how friendship has carried me through some challenging times. I have been trying to write this blog about friendship for at least four months so please know that there are many versions of what you will read in this blog.
My really good friends all have a few characteristics in common. They are all strong, resilient, quirky, often very funny, smart and kind. For some unknown reason we connect at a deep level. In other areas they are all wildly different from each other. Sometimes the only thing they have in common is their strong bond of friendship with me. In my ideal world my friends all are great friends with each other but in the real world they most often don’t know each other.
What is friendship exactly:
Friendships are a form of chosen interdependency and volunteer participation. That sentence makes friendship sound pretty calculated and simple but good friendships require history, admiration, respect, commonality, trust and support. Friends are people we can laugh with, cry with and with whom we can be honest.
We learn about friendships early on in our lives and some of that learning is instrumental in development and maintenance of relationships for the rest of our lives. Friendships involve patterned behaviour that is learned from many sources including; parents, siblings, peers and colleagues. Choosing our own friends when we are young gives us a sense of control over who and how we are as people.
Benefits of Friendship:
The benefits of friendship are lifelong. Research has shown that people with good friends often feel happier, less stressed and more like they belong than those without. Having a strong network of buddies also increases self-confidence.
In lots of ways friendships are the simplest of all our relationships because they are chosen and have no legal ties. Our expectations of friendship are different that our expectations around most of our other relationships. Studies show that we all need at least one good friend (I define a good friend as someone who gets me, and likes me anyway). I read somewhere that if we have at least two really good friends by the end of our lives that is enough.
Mental Well Being and Friendship:
Friendships aren't just good for fun and games (although they're terrific for those, too), they're also vital to your physical and mental health and your longevity. Human beings need relationships to survive. Infants can die if they go too long without being held, and the elderly experience an increased risk of mortality without social interactions. Isolation and loneliness are major factors in depression and negatively affect mental, physical, and cognitive health.
I know that when my clients have good friendships their mental health is more resilient. Occasionally I will ask my clients who are their ‘people’. Sometimes the client will list family but most often they tell me about their friends. Clients tell me stories about their friends who just sit with them when they are feeling down, or they tell them how important their presence is, or they tell them them why their own life is better because of their mutual friendship. Or sometimes they bring soup and ice cream. They don’t tell the client to cheer up or get over it . They listen. They do not offer their solutions and they are not expert.
Mature Friendships
Some friendships last from a young age to old age but these kinds of friendships are rare and never to be taken for granted. A long standing friendship means that both people have learned to compromise, accept and move forward through the stages of life at a relatively even pace.
I have one such friendship that has such a pattern. We were friends in early high school even though we were not in the same grade. She was bridesmaid at my wedding and then we drifted apart for a number of years as I began my family, then my career and she began her career, then her family. In our thirties we reconnected. I can’t remember who initiated the contact. When I saw my friend I do remember her first words to me were; ‘Oh thank Goodness you have not changed too much, you still look the same’. We both felt that click of friendship begin again.
Since that time our friendship has grown, but often with long periods of little contact between us. Neither of us at that time were people who could spend time on the telephone. We had jobs, small children, family obligations and so on and so on.
In our late 40’s the friendship grew again with more regular contact. In our 60’s our lives changed again, and now we have almost daily contact. We wonder sometimes, how we fill our time on the phone. As we bein our conversation one or another of us will often say, well not much has happened since yesterday so I am not sure what we can talk about. then we talk and walk for an hour. My friend and I have not lived in the same town since high school but our friendship is one of my most enduring relationships. The only one longer is that with my siblings.
When I told my friend that I was struggling with this blog she told me about Sir Francis Bacon’s essay on friendship so I will include them here.
Sir Francis Bacon:
Sir Francis Bacon wrote about the freedoms in true friendship. Freedoms according to him involve honesty, support and challenge. If you would like to read the original essay here it is: https://www.brainpickings.org/2013/01/15/francis-bacon-on-friendship/ or to read it without the interpretation here is that website: http://www.authorama.com/essays-of-francis-bacon-48.html
In the essay above he writes of the difference between followers and friends. The essay Of Friendship by Francis Bacon celebrated the intimacy between friends which is subjected to both prosperity and adversity without succumbing to the clouds of doubt and jealousy. The essay was written at the request of his true friend Toby Matthew.
Followers are people who now we might call acquaintances.
Making New Friends
Its all well and good to talk about the value of friendships to your health and quality of life but exactly how do you make new friends.
Well… friends are not going to come into your house unannounced and say “Hey you, Want to be my friend?’ Well not during Covid anyway!
We need to be around other people in some way. It is challenging during Covid to reach out and develop new friendships. I remember a number of years ago I had a client tell me that their friends were all over the world, they had met trough a shared interest on the computer. I remember looking at my client and challenging them to also develop friendships in the city in which they lived. My client found it much harder to make friends ‘in real’ life.
Friendships for me at least require a spark of recognition, that this person might be a kindred spirit. Sometimes we share common interests with new friends and sometimes there is a connection at some other level. So…in normal times this is my advice:
get out and about,
join groups, go to church or some other organization which shares your value system
take a class or two,
volunteer for something, many non profits are looking for volunteer board members
But get out of your house, say hello to strangers.
Sometimes we become friends with a person who has a shared interest or hobby. Or that the other person is drawn to you because they're in the same stage of life. such as being a new parent or newly retired. People of similar backgrounds and cultures also tend to come together by bonding over shared lifelong experiences. Although most of these relationships take time to get really deep, occasionally friendship is more like a lightning strike. "Sometimes you can be in a big group of new people and you catch someone's eye and it's like 'boom!' – instant friendship.’ Even with this instant bond it takes time and energy to build a friendship bond. Sometimes we like people because they are fun and make us laugh. Its all good.
I have a small group of friends that I met during COVID on Zoom. We met over a specific topic. One of us, not me, set up a weekly Zoom meeting and now I can hardly wait for Thursday evening. We can surprise ourselves sometimes at how and when we make friends. I may write more about this friend group in the future but they are supportive, fun and we have a shared interest.
A special note about older female friendships:
Along time ago an older woman told me an important truth when I gave her a sympathy card when her friend died.
She said that as she aged she mourned the death of her friends more than she did of some of her relatives. She said that her friends knew her in a way that no-one else did. Some of them remembered her as a girl, other newer friends knew she was funny and smart and tired. Others shared some of her personal joys or disappointments around marriage, adult children and grandchildren. She told me that she felt lonely and afraid as her friends died before her.
There is a growing body of evidence that suggests that psychological and sociological factors have a significant influence on how well individuals age .
"valuing friendships was related to better functioning, particularly among older adults," (Chopik, 2017).
Long term friendships are life sustaining
Friends During Life Transitions
Friends support one another during times of major change such as marriage, divorce, death, and retirement. They comfort you during times of loss and often share a deeply dark sense of humour.
Friends comfort each other during times of loss and change . They also help one another find the joys and address the fears of aging. Female friends in your age group know what it is like to grow older but still feel 21. Older female friendships are one of the keys to happiness in old age.
The Work of Friendship
But friendships like these don't happen by accident. You may be used to the idea that romantic relationships take work, but did you know friendships do, too?
Relationships with friends require nurturing, which begins with having a friendship-focused mindset and intentions and extends to our daily priorities, choices, and interactions. The success or failure of friendships depends on our level of mindfulness to that friendship. Are we paying attention to our friends and their needs?
Your genetics and early life experiences significantly influence your friendship skills. But even if you aren't naturally good at making or keeping friends, you can learn how to connect positively with others. As old friends leave one's life through time or circumstance, one needs to rebuild one's social circle. It is never too late to build or repair yours.
When you look back on your life, it's likely you see the years of your most active and abundant friendships as your happiest ones. While it's probable that the most profound pains you've experienced in your life involved breaks within your social connections.
It should go without saying that the better you are at making and keeping healthy connections, the happier and healthier you will be.
Loving friendships will nourish and enrich your life. They are worth taking seriously.
New Friendship
That's all well and good, but if a potential new friend doesn't see the same joyous charms in you, it's unlikely that anything deep and lasting will come of it. That said, there's no telling when and where a friendship will develop. Often, they arise from a shared interest or hobby, and people are typically drawn together because they're in the same stage of life, like new parents or retirees. People of similar backgrounds and cultures also tend to come together by bonding over shared lifelong experiences. Although most of these relationships take time to get really deep, occasionally friendship is more like a lightning strike. "Sometimes you can be in a big group of new people and you catch someone's eye and it's like 'boom!' – instant friendship," Degges-White says about an experience she's termed the "clicking phenomenon." "It's kind of like that burst of 'love at first sight,' but it's a friendship, not romance."
In other words, friendship is wonderful, and much has been written about the virtues of having friends. That's not to say friendship is easy, though. It demands time and effort, and it requires that people put someone other than themselves first sometimes. But in exchange for that work, a friend can provide an immense amount of support and comfort in good times and in bad. Keep reading to learn more about the various types of friendship.
Male versus Female Friendships
Although there are a lot of similarities between both kinds of friendships, experts have observed that women tend to bond over sharing intimacies and thoughts. Men tend to bond over a shared activity — watching sports, for instance. However male friendships might be sustainable but less enduring as they demand less from the other person than female friendships.
When Good Friendships Go Bad
If you feel a friend is becoming more of a frenemy, it may be worth trying to talk to your friend about it before giving up completely.
There are a bunch of versions of a wise, old saying that there are three types of friends –
friends for a reason (you lived next door to each other growing up),
friends for a season (high school, college, new parenthood) and
friends for a lifetime. Sometimes, the season of life passes and friends fall out of touch due to no particular problem.
Occasionally, however, a once healthy friendship turns toxic There are common signs that the so-called friendship is less than healthy:
You realize that hanging out with a particular friend leaves you feeling worse, not better.
You begin to try and find reasons to avoid spending time with a friend or wanting to cancel plans once they've been made.
Your friend only seems to "like you" or want to spend time with you when she needs something from you.
Your friend tries to isolate you from other relationships in your life – for instance, badmouthing romantic partners or other friends.
You find yourself trying to make excuses for your friend's behavior or "defend" your friend from other friends who are more able to see her shortcomings or poor treatment of you.
While friendships are based on social exchange, "red flag" friends typically draw more resources from the "friendship bank" than they ever put into it.
Your friendship is based on gossip.
You are not proud of yourself, your words or your activities after being with a friend.
Ending thoughts
Friendships are vital to our well-being as humans
This is a long post and not the original version at all, the first version talked about learning how to be a friend through childhood on but this for now is what I would like to say. Thank you
Deborah
