The Question and The Answer
The Question and The Answer
I want to write about finding the answer. But first of all I will introduce you to the question.
So many people come in and just want to know what the answer is to living a good life, having good mental health, or healthy relationships with self.
Many years ago I had a lovely young man as a client and he said over and over to me
“Just give me the answer”.
Finally I may have told him that my answers were not the right ones for him because I am on a different journey than he is. He was still frustrated with me so I told him my answers included, prayer, studying, writing, knitting, sewing, good friends and family and going out for lots of walks. He realized then that those were my answers and were not right for him and so he began his own journey. When we make an appointment to see someone like me it is often because we feel so lost and think that if we just had something concrete to hold on to, all would be well.
The Problems:
Many of the problems that we face are essential because they become the method for our individual growth. Once we develop healthy self esteem and good relationship with self and others the question that we can ask ourselves every day at least once is this:
The Question:
How do I feel right now?
There are lots of variations to this simple question but they all involve some insight and some honest curiosity about self. We need to be honest and to not cover up the answer or the questions in whatever format it presents. We need to ask the question frequently in order to get to the depth of self.
If we ask the question enough times with enough honesty in our answer we will be able to grow into who we are meant to be. This question will help you learn to love yourself, accept self, trust self and begin to focus your life in the way you need.
We can begin to accept a fact that none of us wants to really believe. We only have control over how we as individuals act, react, think and feel. That for me at least has been one of my harshest lessons.
Wise Women
Before COVID I facilitated a group called Wise Women. One of the exercises we did together was simple and incredibly challenging. It was this.
In groups of two one person asked the other.
Who are you?
The other person would answer and the question was asked again.
The exercise lasted for 3 minutes and then participants would change position with each other.
At first the answers were surface and role defined but then as the question was asked again and again the answers became deeper and much more profound. It was an amazing process to watch as the members moved away from their accepted definitions as wives, moms, sisters, daughters, friends, workers to a deeper understanding and acceptance of self.
The Answer:
The question has several possible answers and they include:
I feel good about myself. I am happy with who I am or what I did or I am doing the best that I can. I am proud of me.
I feel lousy. I don’t like how I acted or what I said. I am not proud of myself right now.
I feel kind of ok but not overly happy or sad. I am not angry or resentful but just kind of neutral..
The actions around these answers are a bit more complex
In the first instance we have noticed that we are feeling good and why that is so. We might even be a little bit proud of ourselves so we pledge to continue this kind of behaviour. But the deal is, you notice when you feel good about yourself.
In the second instance we can look at why we feel lousy and decide what to do about it. Plan to do something about it.
In the third instance we might be feeling kind of neutral because we are a bit stuck in one pattern. What we do about that is make a plan to become more involved in our own life including addressing our own behaviour and our feelings.
So... the deal is we make mistakes as humans and that is ok. Life is full of opportunities to practice new behaviour and yes that can be a bit scary.
I had a client say this to me;
“ I am perfectly imperfect as a human being”
I love that our perfect imperfectness allows us to remember that this whole being a decent human being is just practice. We can be life long learners about self by staying curious, noticing self and practicing new behaviours and ways of thinking that we can choose.
