SELF ESTEEM
I have been asked to write about Self-Esteem – what it is, how to get it and then how to maintain it. So I thought I might start this blog post with what I have learned from my clients about what self esteem is not. This post is dedicated to R.B. who is a very important person in my life.
These are the words of people I know regarding self-esteem.
Self Esteem is not:
Selfishness
A Sense Of Entitlement
A Sense Of Inflated Self Importance
Needing To Be The Centre Of Attention All The Time
Self Esteem Does Not Make You Greedy For More.
False or Lying
Bragging
So Exactly What is SELF-ESTEEM
I took this picture along the Cabot Trail in 2017 and the strength and delicacy of the Inukshuk reminds me that our self esteem is also delicate but can be strengthened by small actions and thoughts. On this stretch of beach there were hundreds of small rock formations like this that filled me with wonder.
My short answer is:
Self esteem is a good sense of self and a real understanding and knowledge of your strengths and weaknesses. The work of maintaining the balance of self esteem is ongoing. You are okay because you are human being.
My longer answer is:
Self esteem means that you not only love yourself (as you are) but you also like yourself, as you are right now. People with good self esteem live in the present moment. They not only have a feeling of love for self, they act in a gentle and loving ways towards self. Even while they know that life is difficult and that their sense of esteem is an ongoing process. We don’t get done with it.
For example when you try a new activity instead of thinking that you are never going to learn you notice what you did do...you tried hard and you will keep on trying until you learn the new activity. Its just fine to be a student of life rather than a master of life. When you acknowledge self-esteem you give yourself permission to be a student of your own life. You can keep on being curious.
Loving and accepting self as you are is exactly opposite of what we have been taught to do and it is exactly opposite of what all the self help gurus tell you. Many years ago a client told me this story.
You are loved because you exist; we are human be-ings not human do-ings. God or your higher power loves you because you exist. (Thank you to D.K)
Most of us have grown up thinking that we are only worth loving if we are productive and useful to others. That is not true but if we love ourselves as we are we often then have the courage and the freedom to become the best human that we can be. It is a bit of an oxymoron because you would think it would be exactly opposite of that but it is not.
We have been trained from a young age that we are only worthy if we are serving others and to measure our self worth by external variables such as money, prestige and power. Self esteem is met for only a brief time by external variables.
I remember a short parable that I read many years ago that went something like this…
The Myth of the Hero
The only myth worth remembering is the myth of the hero. A hero is someone who knows that life is difficult and unfair and goes on anyway.
Growing with Self-Esteem
Self esteem is not something that can be given to you by external sources such as other people, awards, financial rewards public recognition etc. It is something that you accept as a well deserved gift simply for being a human.
As we grow self-esteem we keep that sense of curiosity not just about ourselves but we can extend it to others without envy or judgment. What I mean by that is sometimes when a person has low self esteem we get a little thrill when we hear a bit of gossip about someone who think has a higher status. That little thrill is a signal that we have low self esteem. When we have a balanced self esteem we don’t get joy out of gossip.
Loving others over self: generally bad idea
The way to grow self esteem is to really look at ourselves, both strengths and our areas for growth. Balanced or healthy self esteem also encourages us to really understand this most annoying fact. The only person we have control over is self. By the way, there there is a big difference between knowing something to be true and actually understanding it. That balance of caring for self and caring for others leads us to have a sense of control over self. This is again something that fluctuates with time, age, circumstance and life experiences. There is movement in having a well balanced sense of self. somedays we might think we have it nailed and other days we know that we know nothing!
If we choose not to accept the fact that we need to love self in order to love others then we can never have that sense of internal self esteem.
If we expect others to meet our self esteem needs and they do not accept this responsibility with all of it unspoken nuances we build up resentment, anger, depression. We generally feel cheated because we have given so much to this other person. In other words we have placed a burden on our loved ones, friends and coworkers to meet our self esteem needs. So my advice is to look in the mirror and you will find the person responsible for your life and therefore you sense of self esteem.
What can we do to build Self-Esteem?
This is not quick work, nor is it work we can do without paying attention to our own patterns of behaviour. We also need to look at our own expectations of self and others. How do we reciprocate in relationships and how do we know our worth? Or as I like to ask; ‘“What do you bring to your relationships?" You might be surprised to hear how often people tell me that they bring nothing to other people. That is not true. If we ask our friends and family what they like about us we might be surprised and pleased at their answers.
Noticing our self esteem patterns is disruptive and frankly quite brave work. I will ask you to get out of your own comfort zone and take chances and make changes in your own behaviour and the story you tell yourself about who you are as a valuable human being. So when we think we are not worthy we need to notice that thought and challenge it with another thought such as I am worthy. Then we look at our own evidence that we have some worth, even if its a small thing such as ‘the dog likes me’, the negative piece of your brain might respond with ‘the dog only likes you because you feed her and take her for a walk’. I would say look at that a reciprocal relationship where you meet each others needs by doing your part. Low self esteem wants you to dismiss anything or anyone good in your life and to build it we have to challenge that negative voice.
In the end building self esteem begins with my two favourite actions
Pay attention to how we talk to ourselves, then we can challenging the negative thoughts with my second favourite thing .
Practice and look for opportunities to practice. That is the part that requires a bit of bravery.
My Magic Questions (this is just one set of my magic questions but its a good one)
We end all of this with a self evaluation ,not a bash session, every night by checking in with ourselves by asking this question.
What did I like about how I acted and thought about myself today ? How could I have done it differently?
Not better just differently. That simple question allows you to evaluate today and start fresh tomorrow.
Resources: If you would like use excellent worksheets that guide you towards identifying your own worth I found this link from the Australian Government.
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself
