Setting the Stage for 2021
Look briefly at 2020
Reflection Exercise
Every year in the week between Christmas and New Years Eve I spend a bit of time looking back at how my life has changed in the last 365 days. I evaluate what the year has presented me, how I have grown, struggled and what lessons life has taught me. I also evaluate what kind of student of life I have been over the last year. Some years I just sit by myself and think about the year and its lessons, other years I write it all down.
I sit with myself alone in a private space. It’s nice if the sun is shining through a window but that is not really necessary.
I have a new notebook and a pen at the ready. I have a glass of water or a cup of tea by my side. This can be thirsty work.
I allow myself to remember, and then write about the events or changes that have happened in my life over the past year. Sometimes I smile and sometimes I am sad. It may be a good idea as you reflect to have some tissues just in case you cry, and you might.
Write all of the changes and important events into the notebook, Leave some space under each one. In that space answer some of these questions:
Was I expecting this change or event? Did I see it as positive or negative?
Am I letting the change define me?
What does this change mean for my life?
Am I giving myself permission to adapt or move forward?
When I tell the story of this past year, say in 5 years, what story would I like to tell?
That is it, that is the exercise and to end it all I do not let myself wallow or ruminate about all of the things I could have done differently. I end with a meditation that invites me to live each day of the New Year with dignity and respect for others.
Some years I think that if I had known what was coming I would have run for the hills. 2020 was that kind of year for many people. 2020 was a year full of self exploration, grief, fear and bringing community together by staying apart.
Moving on to 2021
Exploring the difference between comfort and comfortable
What brings you comfort? Comfort can be healing. Being comfortable for too long encourages stagnation.
Comfort is full of small certainties. For me it is a quiet morning in the garden, watching the birds at my feeder. Listening to people laugh, smiling to myself as the neighbourhood children laugh and play outside. Comfort for me includes watching the children in my life grow from tiny infants to fine young adults. Those children have grown well beyond being able to ride their bikes from their homes to my driveway with careful parental supervision. The small joy that I felt when I saw them on my driveway continues as I watch them get their drivers licenses. We gain comfort by being mindful of what is good right now.
Comfort is finding the North Star in the evening. I don’t see the North Star each evening but I know it is there. My garden will grow; my grandchildren are processing the world around them and growing in their own way as individuals who are worth knowing. These comforting things may seem too small to list. Witnessing the inevitable changes in the world around me means that in spite of COVID and in spite of continued isolation and incredible loneliness, (that has little to do with COVID) all of my comforting things are extra-ordinary but they are all important.
Being too comfortable can mean that we do not allow for growth or change in self or others.
Slowing down =Mindfulness
The trick is we have to slow down enough to notice what brings us comfort in the every day. I love to clean my kitchen after dinner. Cleaning my kitchen brings closure to my day and is part of my routine to let me know it is time to rest. Shovelling snow brings me comfort and a feeling of accomplishment. If we do those mundane activities with mindfulness we give ourselves permission to pay attention and therefore open to growth.
I cherish the idea of identifying the things that comfort us most. Because seeking comfort is a compassionate way to care for ourselves. When we notice the ordinary we are fully present in our own lives as well as being conscious of how we are part of a much bigger picture of human-ness.
By knowing our comforts we can then extend our own world and begin to anticipate the new year.
Getting out of the Comfortable Zone
There are many tips and quotes about getting out of our comfort zone. It’s good advice to leave our comfort zones, to dare, to do and to notice our own bravery.
We live in a world that constantly challenges us to do more and be more and that is all well and good but... when we are mindful of the now we can be braver in our world by becoming who we really are.
Starter Questions
Do you know what brings you the most comfort?
What eases your weariness?
Where and how do you need to challenge yourself to grow and extend your own comfort zone?
What did you do this year that included a bit of bravery on your part?
Delve into why certain things soothe and comfort you. This is a great way to get to know yourself better. Or spend the month experimenting with different activities that require a bit of courage on your part.
The Maybes of Comfort
As you’re identifying the things that bring you the most comfort, consider defining what 'comfort' actually means to you. Or look at your list, and see if you find a specific theme or patterns. Comfort is not a dirty word. It’s not a cop-out. It’s quite the opposite actually: Comfort is vital for our well-being. But only being comfortable does not allow for growth. When you go to sleep tonight instead of worrying about the past or dreading the future when you go to bed reflect on this question.
Anticipation
Anticipation is evidenced by some of the statements I heard after Christmas.
‘Christmas was much quieter than it has been in the past but it was still really nice in many ways. Christmas was peaceful. I hope we get to keep some of that peace next year.’
I also heard from one of my grandchildren that;
‘Next year we will all celebrate Christmas at Grandma’s house. We are going to dress up and even have the meal catered so we can all be together.’
Present at my house will be all of the moms and dads, cousins, Grandmas and Grandpas and even one Baba. Apparently this magical caterer, who knows all of our family favourite dishes, is also going to clean up so we can play games, go skating and sledding. I hope my grandchild gets what she knows she needs…her family.
We can’t tell the future as evidenced by 2020. But we can think about what we want to change in the next year. Do you want to be kinder, have more friends, finally deal with the anxiety that has been following you for years or admit your long standing depression? What ever it is it all involves a bit of practice and some self awareness. Anticipation for changed behaviour and thinking also means that we need to admit that we need to change how we interpret the world just a titch. Do you have a goal that you want to set for 2021? Whatever it is you need to be able to go beyond wishing to actually planning small steps to get to the big goal.
Practice
A few years ago I told to a client that what I do professionally is called a practice and if we really think about what practice means, it means that we continue to learn. So, we practice our new attitude, world view or behaviours. Practice means failure. And practice means getting up and trying again tomorrow by evaluating what you could do differently.
The client and I talked about perfection then and he gave himself permission to practice his life. Perfection is not the end goal but living is. We practice being the person we would like to be.
We went on with the session and spoke of other things. As I was saying goodbye the client turned to me and said that if he thought of life as a practice it gave him permission to keep on trying.
In our next session the client said that he kept that word practice with him between sessions. The practice was itself the goal. Remembering to practice living was his motivation.
Life then can be happier because your goal is to practice rather than attain flawlessness. Practice allows us to learn and frankly to be a little bit braver than we would normally be. We can try new things without the fear of failure.
As a student or practitioner of living we can: practice being the person we want to be, we can practice being kind, we can practice new things. We can practice just for the sake of trying. Sometimes, we want so much to be an expert in something…anything.
Getting to Wisdom
It seems to me that the people I admire so much, are people who no matter how great their knowledge base never see them self as expert. Knowledge about one or more subjects does not mean that we are the ultimate authority in that subject. What I have noticed about truly wise people is that they are always humble and have taken a stance of lifetime learning that suits them. They are curious about the world, they are curious about other people. That curiosity is always kind. They do not interrogate others in conversations but are eager to learn about this other human being in their presence.
The possibilities are endless, but they all have one thing in common: when an activity becomes a practice it shifts from something you are doing at a point in time to an ongoing process of becoming. The former lends itself to 'good' or 'bad' judgments, forgetfulness, and discontinuity. The latter lends itself to integration, continuous learning, and wholeness.
Being happy takes a lot of practice
The happiest people tend to be the one that notice small gifts and tiny moments of joy. Being happy takes a lot of practice. Acceptance of self and others as human beings takes understanding and a non judgmental stance.
It's just as much work--if not more-- to be unhappy. So choose wisely. Being happy means at some point you decided to take control of your life. It means you decided to not be a victim and to put that energy back into yourself. Sometimes it's hard, but you have to pull yourself up and push yourself forward. Our lifetime is a series of developments and personal growth.
Being happy takes practice. Whether it's you learning to let go of your ego, or forming more self-loving habits...it takes practice. You only have one life, work as hard as you can to make it your best life.
‘Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced’ ― Søren Kierkegaard
Happy New Year
Deborah
