Good marriages are elusive and frankly difficult to define.  John Gottman says that good marriages are not so easily definable and that they can include very different styles of communications, types of individuals, sexuality etc.  However then he concludes that bad marriages look remarkably alike.  So much so that he has a rather accurate record of divorce prediction.

Marriages that are doomed to end share so many of the same characteristics that he has coined the phrase  The Four Horsemen :  His four horsemen are:  criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He has shown that couples who demonstrate  the horsemen in their relationships are more likely to divorce.

It is pretty sad too because the couples I see all want to increase trust and communication. Communication is like the catch phrase that almost everyone complains about.  Or as I hear and translate it “My partner does not like me much anymore.”   I am almost always surprised how few people speak of respect or love in their relationships.

I was having an online discussion today with a friend of mine about the book  Pride and Prejudice  by Jane Austen. The book is definitely about marriage: its meaning, value and the roles each of play in getting to it.  What it does not look at overtly is how we stay in it after the romantic/lustful stage is diminished. How is marriage based on friendship, respect and genuine admiration of our partner?  I see far too many couples stay in relationships because of economics, and what others will say rather than building on what could be between couples.   I see in the book the continuation of women’s oppression and a hierarchical system.  My friend sees a time when there was respect and some lovely boundaries in marital relationship.  I think HN is just as correct in her analysis of the book as I am.

A lot of the recipes on how to have a good marriage are kind of prescriptive and operate on a quid pro quo basis. Although that is not wrong, it is not correct either.  As I sit here and try to define a good marriage all I can think of is what I have learned from my clients

What I have learned from my clients:

• Good marriages just are good.

• Good marriages fluctuate from great to really awful.

• Good marriages are fun, friendly and sometimes really funny.

• Sometimes good marriages are full of emotion- all of the emotions.

• Sometimes people in good marriages talk a mile a minute and sometimes there is little talking at all.

• Good marriages are physical- sometimes sexual but almost always there is touching, the face, hands, the arms and so on but there is a link between 2 people that you can almost see.

• Good marriages are kind – full of compassion and kindness.

• Each good marriage is really quite unique and quite lovely to hear about and to witness.

• Good marriages are strong but never controlling.

• Good marriages can grow tired and need rest, rehabilitation and some tender loving care.

• Often times people in good marriages have huge crushes on their partner.

• Good marriages can grow into great marriages.

• Good marriages change, grow and fluctuate but they last.