This week I thought it would be nice to talk about perspective and behaviour change. I developed a little formula or plan that will help you remember your goals and who your support people are.

You will find the form at the end of today’s blog. You can personalize it as you wish. I will see if I can add it as an attachment, but you can email me and I will send you a copy so that you can personalize it.

But first a little bit about looking at our history of the behaviour. Why we started it in the first place and then the motivation for choosing to make changes in one or more of our behaviours.

The story of how the behaviour came to be:

Look at this part of the behaviour. How was this particular behaviour helpful at one time? Did it help you bond with someone you cared about or wanted to impress? Did it help you get the attention you needed? Did it bring people to you or keep them away? There can be many purposeful reasons to start a certain behaviour. Remember throughout this blog that I do believe the next statement.

All behaviour is purposeful.

Personal Antidote:

I remember trying to smoke the summer I turned 15. My friends laughed at how I held the cigarette so I never picked up another. My need to fit in with my friend group was stronger than my need to smoke.

Motivation:

Why do I think we need to look at our motivation for change first? Frankly, some of our behaviours can be self-destructive and cause harm to others.

Here is a little story about someone with a lifelong habit of nail-biting. When the person wanted to change the behaviour first we looked at the story of nail-biting how it started and what needs the person got from biting their nails.

The story in the clients’ words as best as I can remember:

“I was a committed and determined nail-biter until I was about 30 years old. I had never had my nails done because frankly, I knew that there was little there to work with so I avoided nail salons. I came to be more than a bit ashamed of my nail-biting habit. When I started biting my nails when I was about 6 or 7. Shortly thereafter someone said that I was like my dad and he bit his nails so I continued in my new behaviour because I liked my father and wanted to be more like him. As I grew older I realized that others found my habit quite disgusting. I started to use the anti-nail biting tricks that others told me. “ Following the experts’ advice (ok, a teen magazine), I did the following behaviours over the next 25 years.

1. I kept my nails short (Which was easy to do because they never got long)

2. Applied bitter-tasting nail polish to my nails…that stuff starts to taste good after a while.

3. Get regular manicures... that did not happen.

4. Replace the nail-biting habit with a good habit. I had lots of good habits and nothing replaced the satisfaction of nail-biting.

5. Identified my triggers…my triggers were my insecurity or shyness and nail-biting kept me busy so I did not have to interact with people too much.”

Looking at the meaning behind behaviours we want to change.

The logic of health did not work for my client. The nail-biting gave the client a sense of control so they did not have to address the social anxiety and gave the person a sense of connection to a parent.

So my point is that there is always a positive reinforcement for behaviours that later seem to be destructive to your self-esteem.

This is what worked for this particular person…After many years of education, they got a prestigious job working with the public. One day they suddenly had a strong visual image of what the public saw as they were biting their nails.

So the need to look like a professional overtook the desire to bite their nails. The need to be seen as a responsible and trustworthy professional got them to stop. That need to fit in with their new role helped them to stop the nail-biting and find other ways to deal with social anxiety. The desire to identify with their parent was less than the need to be respected by the public. For the first time in their life, the client challenged beliefs about who they were and eventually decided that how they desired to be was more important than nail-biting.

My client’s parents loved their adult child anyway and were now proud of how they had changed behaviour.

I realize that some will say that this behaviour was not as serious or as destructive as others but it was a behaviour that my client wanted to change.

So here is the formula that might help you as you decide which behaviour you want to change.

The behaviour I am changing is…..

Ask yourself: How is this behaviour helpful to me. Has it served its purpose?
Advantages to making this behaviour change
List at least 5 advantages – 10 is even better

Address Your OWN Sabotaging Thoughts

List as many sabotaging thoughts as you can think of and then find a balancing statement:

I have listed a few examples below but feel free to change them

1. This is too hard!

Balancing thought: Yes it is difficult but will be worth it.

2. I won’t have any friends. (This is a sabotaging thought I often hear from smokers and people who abuse drugs or alcohol.)

Balancing thought: My real friends will be proud of me. I can make new friends who don’t need me to participate in destructive behaviours)

3. That is the way it is always has been. Everyone in my town or circle does this behaviour.

Balancing thought: There must be some people who don’t have this behaviour.

4. What will others think about me

Balancing thought: I have done what others thought I should do all of my life and it has not made me happy. I am doing this for me.

5. I don’t know how to cope with these anxious thoughts

Balancing thought: I can learn new ways to deal with these intense emotions besides negative ways.

Success skills plan

1. Motivate yourself daily by reading your Advantages List.

2. Feel free to add to your Advantages list at any time

3. Give yourself credit

4. Keep on reading your advantages cards at least once a day – sometimes more. Put it in various places in your house where you will see it, including your phone, computer etc.

5. Get a coach or an ally to be your behaviour change buddy. This is important so please do this step. then meet with that person regularly so that you can talk about your successes and get encouragement from your coach as you address your struggles.

6. identify new sabotaging thoughts and write out your balanced thought.

7. Identify your own emotions including fear and resentment. It is ok to admit that behaviour change is hard work!

8. Follow your plan

9. If you stray off the plan say OH WELL and practice new behaviours.

10. Get back on track by reviewing your motivations on your Advantages List

11. Remember that this is a daily task. Even on the days that you take off. It will keep you focused on your end goal by noticing the small successes.

ü Be kind,

ü Be gentle but firm

ü You do not get to let the Sabotaging thoughts take over. For every sabotaging thought find a Balancing thought for it then get back to work.

ü Be honest ( I happen to think that the person we lie the most to is ourselves so please be honest with yourself.)

ü PRACTICE. PRACTICE until it becomes automatic.

Note from Deborah

You have got this! Feel free to make this list your own. Thank you to everyone who reads my musings. Take what you like and leave the rest

Deborah

Below is a Ted Talk about Behaviour change that I will share with you today.

Perspective and Behaviour Change