Aging: Assumption Versus Reality
Looking Back, Looking Forward but Living in Today.
Aging is not necessarily a graceful process. This blog is about the unexpected and expected changes that happen to our physical, cultural, social, familial and mental health as we age.
Today’s essay is my reflections on what I learned from my clients but also what I continue to learn about myself as I age. For many of us, aging includes an examination of life, well-lived or not, paying respect to our past which leads to a deeper spiritual understanding of our existence. Aging is about loss, new freedoms as well as spiritual growth.
My illusions
When I was 65 I thought I had the world by the tail. My life was orderly. I liked to tell people that I had a lucky life. I planned that I would spend more time with people I loved. I was not going to work so much, but just enough to keep my world interesting. I might take a few classes in subjects I was interested in, but generally, my life would be leisurely and I would have lots of time. I would travel to lovely warm places in the winter with my favourite travel companion. I lived in my blissful state for a whole year.
Nine days after my 66th birthday my marriage came to an end. My assumptions were demolished on which I had built a rather flimsy house. I was no longer part of a couple or the social haven that couple-ness secures. My family and friends came to my aid. They honoured and witnessed my efforts to make sense of this new world that no longer made sense. The people who loved me waited, as I navigated deep and unknown water.
Seeing our world in a new way - through our brokenness. Into new ways of being
Analogy
In my counselling work, I use an analogy that is an attempt to help people understand and transition to these uncertain waters.
In our world of assumptions and expectations, we live in our world as if living in a small snow globe. Because this snow globe is all we have ever known, we think that we exist in a secure and knowable way of certainty. Our understanding of the world is based on a life lived in the snow globe.
For whatever reason, our snow globes are sometimes smashed into shards. Then… I so cleverly say that we can see this crisis as an opportunity to see and live in a much larger world or we waste our time trying to recreate what was our world before.
The counsellor in me does not always acknowledge the massive pain that people experience when their world changes unexpectedly. Not all people have their expectations changed quite as suddenly as mine were, but all our traditions need to be examined for the stability of honesty and truth.
The assumptions we make
We assume that we will continue as we always have and that the coping skills that we have used in the past, while we were living in our snow globe world, will be adequate to cope with these changes as we age.
Well, well, well… here is the news. Those old coping skills will not be enough. As we age our assumptions that we thought of as certainties will not be adequate. We will marvel at the process that aging has on our bodies, our minds, our visibility, living conditions and our relationships. So…in other words, aging changes every aspect of your life in one way or another. Even if our long-term relationships continue, other losses are associated as our partners, family, and friends age alongside us.
We move away from legacy and narcissism
This aging person has learned; that everything is not about me, and almost nothing is a crisis that I can’t handle. I can and do wait my turn. It is just fine to ask for help. If the other person says no it is generally not because they are mad at me but because they are busy with their own lives. My son was up until the middle of the night last night doing his job of farming but was still here to help me at 9:00 am. That is a big deal and I am grateful. I am grateful for so much. Today my friend drove several hours just to spend the day with me. Her gift to me was a whole day of her time. It was amazing and I am grateful.
As an aging person, I am still competent. I am still skilled at my work but this winter I have come to realize that long days of work cost me more energy than they used to when I was younger. I also don’t want to work 12 or even 8 hours a day. I want to nap/meditate every day for at least 30 minutes. That does not mean I am lazy. It means I need time for myself too.
I have also learned I need to exercise every day, not to lose weight so much (although that would be great) but to keep myself limber and fit as I age. When I walked when I was younger, I walked very quickly and was proud of the fact that I walked faster than most people. I was always in a hurry. Now I walk more slowly and many people pass me as I walk. That is just fine with me as I notice the world around me. My friend thinks I should become my neighbourhood watch program because I tell her of the changes in our small city as I see them happen.
At this point in my life, I am also admitting and accepting for the first time that I don’t see very well. I can’t spend hours and hours reading because my eyes give out. I have macular degeneration and cataracts. It is a real slice but so much better than chronic conditions that others endure.
Good things I have learned from everyone else
I have learned to trust myself and believe in myself. I know that it takes me a good long time to warm up to some people but if no one pushes me I eventually do warm-up, it just takes me a bit longer.
I like to be alone. I like sleeping alone and I like to make small meals that do not require a lot of fuss and bother. I enjoy my solitary walks every day and sometimes I still walk down the back alleys because the back alleys in our small prairie town offer protection from the wind and have less traffic.
I like to keep company with whom and when I choose. If a friend stops by close to supper and I invite them to stay we might only have soup and a sandwich but if they are willing to stay for the company, I am willing to share my meals.
I learned just recently that with the help I can push myself a bit more than I have been. Who knew that I could help paint my own house?
Healthy Relationships
So aging has made me a little bit more self-centred, but less narcissistic, a lot more aware of who my people are. It has made me kinder in a less self-conscious needy kind of way. It has made me aware of my mortality and what kind of legacy I want to leave. I heard a phrase the other day which rang true. The phrase is ‘toxic legacy’. I do not want to leave a toxic legacy so now I think about how balanced I am in my relationship with others.
That includes my relationship with God. I want to have a healthy relationship with God in every way. Healthy non-dependent but respectful relationships are quite lovely, often fun and ever deeper with familiarity and the passage of time.
Commencing the journey to learning how to age gracefully and with dignity is as simple as learning how to live a good life. What is a good life? For me, it includes small moments of joy mixed in with my sorrow. Health includes; Honesty, Contentment. Pride. Confidence. Vigour. Vitality. Hope. Health. Responsibility. Awareness. Resilience. Faith, Optimism. Belief and a very large dose of Curiosity. A good life could be the aim of any person no matter what their age.
Living a Good Life
It just so happens that living a good life is exactly how seniors can confidently ensure that they age with radiant grace and venerable dignity. Becoming older will inevitably come with countless issues. For many seniors, illness is a very real part of their lives, including chronic conditions. I like to think of chronic conditions as conditions which will annoy the living daylights out of you and wear you down but don’t kill you quickly. I often think that as I manage my chronic conditions, I might be the first person to die of annoyance. (LOL)
The deal is, the little factories that are our bodies are aging and new hips and knees might keep the factory going for a while, but the factories that are our bodies will end up being beyond repair and we will die eventually.
This article is not about glossing over the debilitating conditions that afflict seniors as we grow older—rather it is about accepting the problems our bodies experience. Then creating pragmatic solutions for the necessary health care and assistance required so that we can build a foundation to support our efforts to construct a happy and healthy life highlighted by a gentle, confident grace and self-affirming sense of dignity.
Mental Health
Because this is a mental health blog. I started to think about mental health and aging and what that looks like. Like the rest of our lives, aging people need other people who care about them as an active part of their lives. However, as we age our friends and family do too. In case you have not noticed I do like to state the obvious!
I have heard this from many older people,
So many of my friends have died and the rest are not physically well. I am the last one left of my friend or family group.
And so… the loneliness and isolation begin. Not only are older people lonely they are waiting, sometimes anxiously for their death. Anxiety and depression are often a significant part of people’s lives as they age. Those conditions are made worse by poverty, loneliness and a society that sees us as disposable or invisible.
Yet many older citizens adapt to these many changes with seeming ease. How do they do that? This is not a scientific study but this is what I have noticed.
People who adapt to the changes associated with old age are often curious about others and have a wide variety of interests and friends in different age groups. They continue to contribute to churches, volunteer, socialize and share some of their wisdom with others who are eager to learn.
Older people are working longer. We know that our lives do not end at 65 but they might take a turn in a new direction by sharing our wisdom or continuing to engage in the world by asking challenging questions of ourselves.
Walking with Sorrow and Noticing Joy. Being grateful for both.
I have been thinking just lately of how as we grow old we accept more than we did in the past and that acceptance means that we put some of our expectations of others aside as we become comfortable with ourselves. We walk with sorrow but that sorrow can intensify those moments of joy when they come upon us. Maybe, because we move more slowly we can notice the intense moments of joy that we feel as well as understand our transience on this planet Earth.
In a Zoom group that I belong to someone mentioned AWE WALKING so to end this rather sombre blog, I will leave you with this small gift.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKterwanr1Y
Thank you again for reading my meandering thoughts about what my clients teach me.
Deborah
