Each of us is perfect as we are - and we all need improvement.
We are imperfectly human in just the right amount.
In this first week of January , I like to look forward but before I can do that, I look back and do a brief evaluation of the past year and my own role in my life. I used to say that if we knew at the beginning of the year what changes and challenges we would face over the next 365 days many of us would run for the hills.
I don’t say that so much anymore because if I ran for the hills at the beginning of the year I would miss so many of the surprising joys that fill my year.
After I am done my evaluation of the last year, I then look forward. A combination of those two actions often leads me to make a few resolutions but this year I decided to think and act a bit differently around resolutions.
I have decided that most of us who call ourselves functioning adults are pretty much just fine the way we are. I sit with clients each day who judge themselves harshly when by all outwardly views they are intelligent, thoughtful, kind and very hardworking people. Yet they often tell themselves that they are not good enough. How do we change that?
Knowing our Human-mess
The secret to becoming the best you is not only accept yourself as you are but by accepting yourself as imperfect human be-ing.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy
So…at this time of the year, full of new resolve to reinvent ourselves my guidance is contrary to popular opinion. Accept yourself by evaluation of self and your own behaviour rather than holding firmly onto the illusion of perfection.
Beginnings can happen any time
As with all attempts at personal transformation, at the New Year or otherwise, the beginning is the fun part. You get to experience all the excitement of becoming an entirely different person, without having yet had to put in the effort – and without having met the roadblocks that fill your life. The vision of the changed you remains optimistic.
Sorry …No Miracle Cures This Year
Usually, though, something inside you knows the truth: in a few days’ time, the whole thing will have turned into tedious hard work. I saw an infomercial a while ago that has stayed with me, because it has the ring of truth to it. The fellow trying to sell me yet another financial miracle said something like this.
‘We expect results at the beginning of our journey when in fact the results most likely will not be seen for years. So, when we start a diet we are often disappointed after the first week when we have not lost much weight or that gym membership has not resulted in a six pack.’
My thinking is as follows; the infomercial guy is truthful in his statement. We do expect results too quickly. That thought leads me to remember that in order to become really good at something it takes 10,000 hours of practice. Practicing a new skill means, lessons, evaluation, more lessons and evaluation and knowing that we will always be students. We need to let go of our need to be seen as the expert in anything. New skills need assessments that are evaluative not judgemental.
Here is a new habit to practice:
Stand in front of a mirror each evening and ask yourself a simple series of questions.
1. What did I do today that made me proud of myself?
2. How can I get that feeling again tomorrow?
3. What would I like to do differently? Not better or worse but differently. That includes even the actions that invited that sense of pride.
“No one awakens in the morning, looks in the mirror and says, ‘I think I will repeat mistakes today’ or, ‘I expect today I will do something stupid, repetitive, regressive and against my best interests,’” writes the Jungian psychoanalyst James Hollis. “But frequently, this replication of history is precisely what we do.”
One consequence is that while you’ll fail to pull off a total transformation of your personality – that would entail the impossible feat of somehow jumping outside your own life.
That brings me to my next little habit that you can cultivate .
When you wake up in the morning look in that same mirror that you looked in last night and talk to yourself.
1. How am I going to make today a good day?
2. Think of one thing that you can try today whether it is thinking slightly differently or changing one behaviour.
3. Pay attention to yourself while you are talking to yourself.
The alternative to reinvention is making a wholehearted commitment to accepting who you already are .
When you no longer imagine you must transform yourself, in order to justify your existence on the planet, you’re finally able to do so, in small ways . The stakes are lower, now that your self-worth no longer hangs in the balance.
We can get a reprieve from perfectionism. Yay! We get to drop that silly fantasy that we will be different than we are and focus on the real world, which is where real changes happen. To quote Iyana Vanzant from her book Peace from Broken Pieces:
“You do not have to love what is going on in your life, but you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on. As long as you do not accept reality, you are powerless to define the role you will play.”
“There’s a quiet power in forgiving our flaws, missteps and perceived shortcomings,” says Madeleine Dore, author of I Didn’t Do the Thing Today which is coming out on January 11th.
When we accept ourselves, we’re more likely to get the best from ourselves, because we’re better placed to look at what we need to thrive, rather than grow as humans. (A personal note about the word change…I hate it, I like to think we can grow, evolve or work towards become a version of ourselves whom we can respect and even love. )
Another little experiment to try on yourself:
The psychotherapist Bruce Tift suggests a thought experiment:
imagine whatever issue you struggle with now – the trait in yourself you wish you didn’t possess, the behaviour in which you wish you didn’t engage – persisting to the very end of your days.
What if you’ll always be something of a procrastinator? What if you never entirely lose your tendency to lash out at others when upset at yourself?
When I practiced this exercise on myself, this was my result;
I felt a bit hopeless at first. But I persisted then thought this;
Oh my goodness you mean I will never get rid of messiness, procrastination or shyness! That’s not good…I have been trying to rid myself of those things for years.
After my realization that I am imperfect I felt a sense of relief.
I am all right because of my efforts to grow!
I don’t have to be perfect. I am messy, a procrastinator and shy but I am still ok
What a relief: I get to drop that stupid fantasy and focus on the real world, which is where real growth and subsequent wisdom can happen.
The Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki nailed the matter when he told his students:
“Each of you is perfect just as you are – and you could all use improvement.”
Thank you again for reading my thoughts on mental wellness.
Deborah
